Taking care of my mental health is hard

TW: MENTIONS OF SU1C1DE,BULLYING,RED FLAG RELATIONSHIP, AND LOTS OF SWEAR WORDS

IF U DONT LIKE ANYTHING LISTED ABOVE CLICK OUT OF THE BLOG ITS BETTER FOR YOUR MENTAL HEALTH!!! With that warning let's begin the blog...

My early childhood traumas are still very strong and that not a surprise considering that i am still a minor. Ofc my mental health is in much better condition than 2 years ago. I've started taking antidepressants to help with my hallucinations and mood balance and that's a big step forward for me. Cuz 2 years ago I didn't even seek professional help and have tried to end it all multiple times(it was mostly a failure cuz i have started feeling sorry for my family half way through) and the most recent one that i remember was around 9 months ago or smth and I've stopped cuz I realized that I haven't done so much in my life to end it. Every time I see kids bullying others I fill up with rage. I guess it's because I wanted to save someone's childhood that I never had? It sounds rlly weird and it looks like Im writing this only for attention but I just write what Im thinking of right now. My ex left a scar too. Our relationship was like a fucking rollercoaster one day we talk like we have been friends for 15 years the other day we fight like two dogs with rabies. Same with the love and caring thing. One day when i hug him he loves it and we can hug in my bed the other day he is so avoidant that I can't even find him anywhere. Plus he was openly saying that he already had a boyfriend and at the same time didn't resist with all the romance we had. He was always whining how he wants to commit either su1c1de or m4ss sh00t1ng and basically manipulated me into not leaving him cuz he is so petty and wants to end it all "Help me save me Im so ugly and petty and u r pretty" type of shit. Ive left him after realizing that all this time he was a nazi and racist and that all those "jokes" were not a joke and he was saying that in full seriousness. Ive cried so much after breaking up with him. Cuz I finally realized that he never truly loved anyone even his bitch-ass 2nd partner he had. Its been 6 months after I broke up with him and I feel better without his whining in my life 24/7 but I still feel bad when I remember him...

Probably that's all I wanted to type in here if u like my vent(or whatever yall call it) leave a kudo! Have a great day/evening!