terrible

im so fucking sorry but this is a stupid vent im going to hate later

i feel terrible, i feel like a bad person for saying i might have depression because im not that kind of person who would.. look "depressed"?? i hate crying so badly i feel so weird and ugly when i do, so when i feel the tears come, i wipe my eyes and calm my breathing, and i try very hard not to make any sounds, ive almost cried 3 times in the past few hours and a few minute ago i went to the bathroom and cried for only like 1-2 minutes and i left and now im typing this without crying because of how much i force myself to not cry, im used to it, i always always always force myself not to cry where im good at acting somewhat normal after i do or when i do stop myself, even it i did have the chance, its a pathetic few minutes of sobbing and then feeling weird after, i feel like a horrible person, my life isnt even that bad, i just feel like no one likes me which i feel is very "pick me" in a way, my one friend cant hang out because of some drama that happened yesterday and earlier today that im not gonna say, her sister said me and her cant hang out because of that, then my other friend, she cant because shes hanging out with someone else and i have no idea who to ask, alot of my friends are probably busy and yea sure there is a party that im invited to that started at like 6:30pm but still. my parents are leaving early in the morning to go out of town and so that means another boring halloween and maybe im going to cry but i doubt that, and im scared ill do something ill regret but... i feel terrible, i feel sad, and angry, very anger but since its been a while i feel fine.. i hate everyone right now with no reason, that will disolve soon, and, today has also been terrible because my mom called me ungrateful and disrespectful even though we were leaving for dinner  and i was busy getting ready because they had just told me to get ready, which i did, which my outfit wasnt even bad but my mom said i was weird and whatever else and was just yelling at me for being ungrateful which i was very confused of and i was a bit scared since.. my mom being mad is like my biggest fear, and then during dinner, my sister asked if she can take me afterwards and my mom started getting mad being like "oh what are you guys going to talk about? youre talking about me huh? what are you gonna tell her?" and i was so confused because i wasnt, and my sister didnt make it clear we were just gonna hang out  so my mom was just getting mad while my sister laughed and i was tearing up but guess what i did? force myself to not cry because who cries in public? embarrassing? who cries in private? EMBARRASSING.. uhm and yea, i was just very scared, then my sister and dad was laughing and told her my sister was just messing with her, but guess what? my mom was still mad at me! and then whatever else, then we dropped my sister off and she was still mad.. she texted me and said she was sorry and just stressed about other things, guess what? that was one of the first times she said sorry to me when getting mad and yelling at me, i do not remember the last time, i said it was ok, i said ok when my friends said they couldnt hang out, its fine, honestly i feel like i could just. 

holy yapping attention seeker i shouldnt even post this 💔