the month of september [suicide mentions]

hey guys, since september has come I just wanted to get some thoughts out :) 

 warning a lot of uncensored words and personal stories about the title. some nice advice at the end🤝

 so i was scrolling online and id just realised, oh shit it's September, like aka my birth month, aka suicide prevention month !

 honestly speaking, I've had quite a few encounters with suicidal ideation and loss to suicide. 

 as a kid, i was heavily depressed and suicidal at the age of 9-10. I'd never made any solid reliable friends, I was bullied everywhere I went, my self worth was in the negatives, and I didn't even know how to function or how I should be treated in a normal society. I dreamt of suicide every night and forced myself to cry myself to sleep because I saw myself as subhuman and deserving of pain. I'd stare at moving cars contemplating walking into traffic, and have breakdowns in my room that ended in me trying to suffocate myself with a pillow (unsuccessful lol). at some point i think i got out of bed, went downstairs at midnight and picked up a knife contemplating killing myself. the only things that stopped me from actually doing it was the fear of pain, religion (at the time), and also my care and attachment to my family. i was 9.

 it came to a point, that when I first found kind, caring, real friends at age 11, i broke down crying after learning how it's like to be treated like a human being instead of a punching bag, realizing that i had just lost a solid 2 years (maybe more?) of what was supposed to be the best years of my childhood. subsequently at aged 14 id experience the same wave of suicidal ideation and depression, being careless with my life, and at 16 (last year) some issues with self harm. but that's just me.

 at 15, one of the people i loved the most, arguably the most important person in my life, also faced issues similar to mine (self harm and suicide). and at 16, my classmate of 4 years since year1 or freshmen year of highschool, ended her life. I've had my share of personal struggles, but these 2 events hit hard as fuck and changed me forever. 

 so yeah, realizing that my birth month is also suicide prevention month honestly felt really meaningful and almost kinda spiritual in a sense lol. knowing that I've had these experiences, and my special day is also on the same month as the awareness day, it's like.. damn this is REALLY MY MONTH HUH XDDDDD time for some deep reflection and spreading the message brah.

 im not sure if it was cuz I was suicidal or if it's cuz this is "my month" (probably both) but I feel the need to atleast bring some awareness to the topic of suicide this September.

 but yeah guys, as someone who dreamt about suicide and attended my classmates funeral, the quote "suicide is a permeant solution to a temporary solution" is honestly very real. 

 I know it's fucking cliche to say this and if you're currently struggling you might not even take my word for it, but nothing lasts forever. not happiness, not suffering. so the pain you're experiencing right now, it'll fade, it'll pass. but so will your youth, your age, your fun, and your loved ones. cherish what you have, really try to put aside your troubles to enjoy it in it's fullness because it will not come back once lost.

 oh, but the two things that helped me the most: faking it til i made it, and friends.

 when I was recovering from being bullied, id fake my confidence and self worth to try and seem like I wasn't an insecure bum. slowly, as I started doing that and meeting new friends, it started being part of my personality and now I'm really confident and extroverted ! 

friends are also important, but if you're not the type to talk first, don't worry, friends come naturally. you just have to keep an open mind, and accept the new people that come into your life. give them a chance before judging too harshly (but of course, If they hurt you it's an absolute No !).

 my best friend of 7 years was a girl I absolutely despised for "stealing" all my friends (who were actually my bullies lol), and my other best friend of 8 years was a girl that was in the same friendgroup as me and my bullies and completely did not help at all (tbf she didn't know they were bullying me 😭😭😭) !!! 

 they taught me how to be "human", and without them, without eachother I don't even want to imagine where we'd, or I'd be right now. they're a huge part of the reason why I'm still alive today

anyways.. huge ramble, but to summarize: tough times eventually dry out. you just gotta tough it out a little more, you'll definitely make it out. don't end it all over something you can conquer in this lifetime. you just need a little optimism and some good company, and anything is possible. I love you, I believe in you, and you'll make it out of this alive and well. peace and love yo🩷 

 ok bro I need to pee so bad oml

btw the song name is nutshell by Alice in chains. 

you are loved dearly🩷