The most valuable thing in the world.

 Attention. 

( the tl;dr of this also happens to be this word. )

*Im writing this at 2 am so forgive my leaps in knowledge and lack of sense.

Life probably wasnt always like this, or should I say, felt like this.

The modern warfare of community and connection is a hellscape for me. Online and in real life. Ive lived most of my life through a screen for years while simultaneously having a shallow relationship with the outside world. ( I say humorously, but it is true. ) 

I've never felt more ignored. 

I have people who care about me, or atleast say they do with their words. Ive never honestly considered someone my friend. Ive never felt loved and cared for. Ive never felt known/understood.

I accept the fact that im living between two worlds where im either too weird (to the average person) or too weird (to the 'alternative' person). I exists in the space between.

I dont understand people. I observed so many different kinds of people, on the internet mostly, but in real life too and there are certain things that people do that earn them attention. Regardless if it's good or bad attention. They will do something or say something that earns them attention. 

I dont know how people do it.

I dont understand what specific tones and phrases get people to take interest in you. To make strangers or loved ones care.

Im sure the grass is greener on the other side but I feel like I dont have grass.

I see people who complain about feeling alone while simultaneously having a strong support system, a loving partner of several years, and people who would drop everything they are doing to make sure they're doing okay. I can't fathom the source of this loneliness.

Im sure there are people who have less than me, of course. But I didnt talk to anyone but my mother and brothers for months about basic information. ( What to make for dinner, chores. Things along those lines. )

I am closely related to someone who can make buddies within seconds of meeting them. I suppose that gene skipped over me. Ive tried to make friends and have basic have conversations in real life which usually ends in people saying I'm weird or them going on their phone or, the best for last, walking away while I'm talking.

Online, its not much better. I try to initiate conversation and I dont get a reply. Simpler and a bit less crushing. I've tried many different spaces to the same result.

The point being, attention is the second most valuable thing in the world. Without it, you are alone. And that doesn't get you anywhere online or in real life.