The Path of Least Resistance

(profile not customized,,, ignore ignore ignore that,,,)

Currently, I am incredibly upset, therefore I must tell everyone I know including internet strangers.

I’ve always found it hard to take care of myself, brushing my teeth, washing my face, simple tasks have always felt difficult for me, but recently I’ve been on a streak. Today marks 10 whole days where I brushed my teeth, flossed, washed my face day and night and regularly showered (I know, I know, thanks for the applause, oh you’re too kind). This is the longest I’ve done it consistently but I know that's the absolute minimum and there’s more I need to do to get better.

In particular, I need to go outside. 

I’ve always been a homebody and I’ve noticed that I can’t go too long without being around people without getting suicidal or weird. 

So I got excited when I saw my college offered free workout classes, they offered pilates, yoga, cycling, and a few others. I can be around people AND get physically healthier??? Score!!!

I stuffed my backpack (which I’ve only been using to hold my laptop until now) with a change of clothes, lunch, and other stuff I needed and woke up extra early since the classes are first come first serve. 

I was happily texting my friends (don’t worry, I’m sharing a ride, not driving. This isn’t a horrific recounting about a car crash caused by driving distracted) when the car suddenly slows down. Everyone is slowing down. 

There was a car crash that closed every lane except one. 

We spent 20 minutes in traffic. The person I was sharing the ride with was 5 minutes late to their class and I was 5 minutes late to pilates. The website said to get there 10 minutes early, if I went, the class would have been full or they would refuse to check me in, so I just went back home.

I actually had a few other events I could go to an hour or two later but I REALLY, REALLY wanted to do pilates, missing the class ruined my whole day. (I do kinda regret not sticking around for a crafting event but I’m not too hung up on it,,, I have a ton of craft supplies at home)

Stuff like this always happens when I try to get better. Want to cook? All the dishes are dirty and there's no food. Want to do my hobby? All the desks are full and I can’t move anything because the stuff belongs to someone else. Want to do yoga? The floor is dirty. Want to clean? Ran out of cleaning supplies. Want to go outside? Fuck you. It's 100000000 degrees and I have no sunscreen. 

It’s so, so easy to just stay like this, especially when it seems everything is conspiring against me. I don’t know how long I can resist, how long I can keep going before I decide it's all too much effort again.

Honestly, I could barely write this blog, the effort of turning my thoughts into comprehensible sentences for no one in particular isn't the easiest task for me, but if I can't do this, how close am I to succumbing to death? To let life wash over me and fade away?