the realization of being gay

being gay and having mostly girl friends is honestly so eye-opening. sometimes you forget that you're just gay and not a girl, because you realize how similarly people can treat gay men and women in general like shit. i feel like a lot of that discrimination comes from misogyny, homophobia, and the way people expect men to fit into this specific "masculine presenting" image. meanwhile, i feel way more connected to my femininity, and because of that, people sometimes treat me like i'm an abomination just for not fitting into what they think a man is supposed to be.

i'm too gay to really fit in with most men, but i'm also still too much of a man to fully be included in "girl talks," going to certain girl events, using the girl's bathroom, etc. i've tried going to male events before, and i've literally been shunned because people see me as too girlish. then it's also awkward being shunned from a girl's bathroom because, y'know... i'm still a man. it's like i'm constantly stuck in this weird limbo where i don't completely fit into either group, and being in that position has honestly caused me to have a bit of an identity crisis.

and then when it comes to being friends with other gay men, that can feel complicated too. sometimes they see you as competition, boyfriend material, or they just don't like you based on how you look. for some reason, i've always found it easier to be around women because i don't feel like i have to constantly prove or perform my masculinity around them