The Stillness I Fear

The Stillness I Fear

This is something I have always dreamed of but at the same time it is also something I fear. I imagine myself in a place like this surrounded by endless forests with mist covering the mountains rain falling softly and a lake so still that it almost does not feel real. Everything is calm and breathtaking and part of me wants nothing more than to disappear into a place like that.

But when I imagine myself there with the life I am living now it scares me. I do not know if the silence would bring me peace or only make everything inside my head louder. A place that beautiful could somehow make me feel the deepest kind of depression because there would be nothing to distract me from myself. The stillness I dream about could easily turn into loneliness.

To save myself from ruining the image I have of this beautiful stillness by filling it with loneliness I imagine that I am not there alone. I imagine being there with new people forming new relationships and slowly discovering who they really are. People whose personalities play off each other and make every conversation and every moment feel alive. Together we could create something meaningful even if all we created were memories that stayed with us for the rest of our lives.

I imagine us camping deep in the forest far away from everything. We would make a fire and sit around it while eating a warm and hearty meal. We would tell each other stories about what we have been through laugh at the strange parts of our lives and slowly become comfortable enough to share the thoughts we usually keep hidden. We would introduce each other to the deepest parts of ourselves. The parts most people never get to see. That is what I really dream about.

But while reading and writing this I realised that maybe the life I imagine in that picture is not so different from the life I want now. In both of them what I truly yearn for is people I can call my own. People I can stay with for the rest of my life. Not because everything would always be perfect but because even through the arguments the difficult moments and the times we hurt each other we would still find our way back to one another.

Maybe that is what makes the dream feel so comforting to me. It is not really the forest the lake or the fire that I want most. It is the feeling of belonging somewhere with people who choose to stay. People I could grow with and create memories with. People who would know the deepest parts of me and still see me as one of their own.

But then again as a human I can never keep myself away from the truth forever. There is no avoiding the darkness whether it exists inside my mind or in the real world. No matter how beautiful the forest is or how warm the fire feels pain will still exist. There will still be depression anger fear suffering and all the other things that come with being alive.

Maybe the difference is that I would not have to face all of it alone.

When you are alone the forest can feel endless in the worst possible way. The stillness can become suffocating and even the sun shining through the trees can feel like the beginning of another agonising day that you are only waiting to end. But when you are surrounded by people who feel like your own that same silence could feel peaceful. The same forest could feel safe. The same day could become something worth remembering.

In the end maybe what I fear most is not the darkness itself but having no one beside me when it comes. Loneliness is an all consuming abyss and the longer you stay inside it the harder it becomes to imagine a way out. Beauty alone cannot save you from it. What I truly yearn for is not a perfect life but people I can share an imperfect one with.