they don’t even know abt the sexual abuse

okay so my gran and my dad’s girlfriend are defending ts out of my dad and I’m getting irritated. I admit, I’ve been extremely aggressive towards him. Swearing, threats, wishes of death and physical assault upon him. This is because he has abused me for all of my life and I’m tired of playing his game. 

I haven’t even told them about the grooming. I didn’t tell them on how he used me as an emotional support crutch for years and treated me like his second little wife throughout all of my childhood. I didn’t tell them about how he touched me, I didn’t tell them about how he looked at me. I haven’t told them about the half of it full stop and this bitch — my father — is trying to victimise himself. 

This guy made me develop NPD. This guy made my sexual trauma so much worse, this guy made me scared of loud noises and is the person who makes me need to escape the second someone yells. He’s the reason I’m so angry all of the time. He’s the reason why I hate touch. He’s probably one of the reasons I have such bad contamination OCD. And I’m the problem for fucking with him over text? With all of the ways he’s ruined me, I should slit his throat, but I haven’t. He’s lucky. 

I don’t care that he buys me things. I don’t care that he’s more accepting of my transgenderism. You can’t abuse a child into developing a personality disorder and then get angry when they grow the same fangs you used on them, and turn to bite. 

He’s medically abusing me now too. Not telling me about the name of my birth control so I can’t get more, not telling me the dates of my appointments. 

I think I’ll do something to get back at him. An act of self-destruction is the tastiest type of control I have, I love it deeply. I might cut myself and bleed out, I might starve myself and make my iron deficiency worse until I’m in critical condition. I might bash my leg into a wall to break it. It doesn’t harm me all that much, I live for this shit. I live for the destruction, the attention. I don’t know how to express that I don’t harm myself out of self-hatred, but rather because I do genuinely just.. love it. But I know it’ll fuck my dad up. I hope he sees it as punishment, to see his son in the hospital bed. I’ll do it. I assure you. It won’t harm me as much as it’ll harm him, and everyone I know. Fuck ALL OF YOU. Everyone I know. I’m already planning it.