Who do I want to become?
That’s the question that always comes to mind when others ask what I see myself doing 5 or 10 years from now. Honestly, I never really plan my future. All I ever dream of is to graduate, to fulfill my parents' dreams by finishing my studies. After that? Nothing comes to mind. As a 100% complainer, lazy, and OA person, I’ll be surprised if I survive that long.
It’s always a “Who” rather than “What”.
Because I never really know what I want for myself, I’m like a mirror of others; it feels like I never had an opinion of my own; I tend to be the kind of person who is easily persuaded. Sometimes it feels like I’m a shadow that follows others’ footsteps.
I look up to others to the point I forgot to ask myself, “What do I want to become?” Because answering “Who do I want to be?” is easier. There are so many people in my life that I really admire and wish to be like. They’re good at stuff that I wish to excel in too.
It is not like I hate who I am; it’s just that it is easier to accept others' flaws than my own.
But what do I really want to become?
Sometimes I’ll say, “I want to be a psychologist, so I can help others who are suffering and help them understand that they’re not alone.” But honestly, I want to study psychology to understand myself. To know what went wrong during my childhood that led me to who I am today. Because I know something is wrong with me, I’m pretty much aware of that, but I need proof that tells me so others can finally see that I’m not okay.
My brain is full of thoughts; there are so many things I want to say, but it's hard for me to communicate them to others.
Because I want to become something. Something much better than I am today, but I also want it to feel authentic.
But maybe the real answer I am looking for is the girl who is standing on the other side of my mirror.
Maybe right now she isn't the best, but she was always there. She cried too when I was sad; she was mad too when I felt rage.
Maybe what I want to become is just me. For others to see me as me, not their reflection, not like their shadow.
Just Me.
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