THOUGHTZ THAT HAUNT ME ON A DAILY BASIS

Hiiiiiiiiii I dont have anyone to tell since id prolly get hospitalized if I told my parents.... so yeah dump.

Sometimes I wanna carve out my own flesh and preform self plastic surgery so im happy with my body :( mom doesn't know i throw up my food and says me skipping a few meals isn't a valid food disorder, maybe this would be my cry for help:3 I drop weight rapidly but its so easy to gain bsck... i just to force myself to work out for hours but I csnt handle that during school times, ill prolly do it during summer again to calm my eating problems. Most the time im never hungry and sometimes go days without food :(

I wonder what drowning feels like. I wanna get someone to hold me down under water and watch me struggle. The thought of choking to death is so horrifyingly beautiful. The flood of your lungs, no more empty oxygen, replaced by the fully feeling of something splooshy flooding in and refusing to leave before the ability to expand the organ with oxygen ever again is swooped away. Its not an arousal thing, its a genuine interest in death. Ew. Im not kinky like thst lol. Tho I do wonder the suffering of realizing its over...

Im intrigued by feeling death snd brought back. Your heart stops and they bring it back. Would I be in a endless void or would I be the eternal peace they all promise? Though I heard if you kill yourself, you go nor heaven nor hell, somewhere in the middle or below? Appartently we shouldn't be able to "choose" our end, and thst its selfish. But dont you think those crossed my mind? It came to the point your threatening comments made me not care to write you nor anyone else the note. When I die I shouldn't have to say anything to anyone. 

Do you think one day they'll make something stronger then an antidepressant? Maybe something thst numbs and dolls the edges of every bad thoughts. It sounds like every time I get upset, though. Over the last hears ill be upset and then think and this strange feeling of my insides being ripped out painlessly and leaving a gaping hole thst begs to be filled (sounds weird lol but its how I feel)

I feel like a jolly person but thinks swirl in my head sometimes. Sometimes I hear things. It used to be distant whispers of curse words and heavy breathing, now i hesr my name or I swear theres loud banging. Its not easy to explain. Its unpleasant and they become more frequent as days go by. I cant find ways to numb it. I dont wanna cut anymore but the rusty blade inside my drawer tempts me deeply. Last time they took everything sharp and kept me away from music and hoodies, though... i csnt live without those. Specifically music. Its the one thing I use to calm the loud thoughts thst rudely interrupt my living. 

Maybe im just overthinking things. Just a brief overview of some of the things swirling my mind.