to have never loved romantically

My teen years were as convoluted as the lore of Dark Souls.It was a diverse period of time that I hope I'll never get to experience EVER AGAIN!

During said time, I suffered all sorts of character development, discovered my insane chronic obession to metal music and Dark Souls cuz I wasn't authentic enough, and just changed as a person.

However, there is one thing I haven't experienced, not even to this day, where I'm 19.

Ofc I'm talking about

LOVE.

And by that I mean "romantic love" not love from friends of family, but being in a relationship with someone of the opposite gender (women) or the same gender.

It's a very complex and confusing... yet beautiful feeling.

WHAT IS IT REALLY?

COULD THIS BE MY CURE?

I spent my teen years doing just... random shit.

Yk, watching bullshit memes before brainrot and ai slop were a thing, playing mobile games cuz it took me a while until I got my gaming pc.

I never bothered to "love" someone.I had friends, my family was ok, I didn't need it.

But something did for me, or atleast influenced me.

Around 2022, on TikTok, various depressed videos/slideshows started to pop in my fyp, which could've let me figure out how much of a loner I was.But I never wondered...

HOW COULD I LOVE... AND WHO WOULD LOVE ME?

I sadly am not the most attractive person ever, and if we truly live in a society that values your appearance and achievements, rather than you as a human, then...

I WILL NEVER FIND LOVE.

I have a very weird relation with this idea of loving someone.Sometime I can crave it, sometimes I couldn't care more for it.I'm a lazy person and also probably unwilling to assume such a responsability, given my track record of staying at home most of the time and playing Dark Souls 3 until my brain will evaporate.

YOU HAVE TO BE WILLING TO SACRIFICE FOR LOVE.

And sure, the thought of being intimate with someone tickles my little monkey brain.Hugs, kisses, sweet talk, gestures... intimacy.It's amazing, but love is like happiness.

HAPPINESS HAS TO BE FOUGHT FOR.

Ain't some brave knight in shining armor, ready to smite the mighty dragon and save the princess.I am a shy adult, with no idea about what to pursue in life.

I DO NOT DESERVE LOVE.

I will probably never find it, but this idea is something I'm familiar with.I'm a very flawed man.But maybe that's what makes me human instead of women's "average impossible man" or man's "average impossible woman" that they so desire.MAYBE WHINING LIKE A BITCH WON'T HELP ME!MAYBE I SHOULD DO SOMETHING!WORK FOR IT!LEARN TO LOVE!But, until then...

LOVE IS A DEAD IDEA IN MY HEAD.

Porn fucked me up bad.It's the dread and bane of my mortal suffering.All those years exposed to a washed down sex act filmed on camera, with no love and intimacy, but surreal bodies.It infected me.I became obsessed over bodies of women, their beautiful forms and all, while regreting mines, my dick size and all.It's just... tarnishing.It's a disgusting thing and I will hate myself forever for enganging in such things.

 BUT...

I'll soon start a new chapter of my life, and maybe I will evolve as a man, past my flaws and mistakes... and thrive!

I will be deserving of love.

And maybe there is hope...

that a man/woman dreams of one like me

and would adore me with their whole being.

Sounds fantastic, but until then...

LOVE WILL REMAIN

AS NOTHING MORE

THAN A DEAD IDEA IN MY HEAD.

Maybe I'll fail and remain lonely.

A COMFORTABLE DARKNESS

WHERE CREATURES NIMBLE, TELLING STORIES OF YOUR FAILURES

A HARD LISTENING

YOUR EARS BLEED, NOT BECAUSE OF THEIR RUDENESS

BUT OF THEIR TRUTHNESS

I WILL FOREVER REMAIN FLAWED.

AND MAYBE

I WILL EMBRACE MY LONELINESS

BECAUSE IN THE END

I WILL BE ALONE.FOREVER.

Hope you enjoyed the read of me pouring my heart in a floating blog!