to have never loved someone romantically

My teen years are as convoluted as the MCU after Endgame

had a lot of ups and downs, made friends, discovered my chronic metal music and dark souls obession, grown to accept my chubby dad bod physique and experienced all sorta stuff, minus suicide attempts and SH (thankfully)

one thing I never experienced, just like the average teen (not the other one) was love...

THE ROMANTIC LOVE

basically for a long time, up until I started high school, I never really cared about that type of thing

I was just doing my own thing

aka watching shit memes and play call of duty mobile, and warzone eventually (when I got a pc that's actually half decent and doesn't run on a wheel spinned by a hamster)

but it hit me, like a truck...

2022 tiktok...

if you've been on that forsaken place during that era, there were a lot (and I mean A LOT) of sad/depressed videos/slideshows

now obviously I was unaffected, since... I had an ok life... but something snapped inside of me

maybe this "romantic love" with a girl (I was 16 when it hit me)/woman (if I talk about myself now) of my dreams, just... feeling a weird powerful attraction towards her, lingering around her beautiful body, kissing, hugging, small gestures... intimacy, maybe this could've made me a more different man

COULD'VE OFFERED ME A PURPOSE.

to pursue this idea of being a great boyfriend/husband, to protect my love for her/him, because... happiness has to be fought for

it could've let me see things differently, made me a happier person, made me understand the complexity of human relationships

MAYBE LOVE CAN MAKE ME... SOMEONE,

YET, IT'S A DEAD IDEA LIVING INSIDE OF MY HEAD.

I don't know how dating works in this day and age, but I feel maybe repulsive to date someone, also my mentality and social skill issue hold me back

not only those, but my indifference towards love, that I'll have to assume a responsability, while being so lazy that I could beat a sloth in a laziness competition

AND PORN...

TE BANE AND DREAD OF MY MORTAL EXISTENCE

a thing that still lives and influences my mind, despite leaving it a while ago

all that exposure to surreal women taught me to look at them as a tool of pleasure

IT INFECTED ME WITH LUST

LOOKING AT THEIR "SEXY MEATY PARTS" BEFORE LEARNING WHO THEY ARE AS A HUMAN

MADE ME FEEL ASHAMED OF MY BODY, MY SIZE AND MYSELF

IS A THING THAT DISGUSTS ME STILL TO THIS DAY

AND IT WILL HAUNT ME AS A MAN FOR A VERY LONG TIME.

But now, I begin a new stage in life, maybe I could finally see what this hype is about

IF LOVE IS THAT MAGICAL

BUT UNTIL THEN...

IT WILL STAY IN MY HEAD

AS NOTHING MORE

THAN A DEAD IDEA.

p.s: this is a repost cuz... it didn't do well...

kudos to you if you realise why I put some words in bold :P

cya!