Toxic relationship (This is HELLA long)

This is about art btw….I got no social skills lol

I have been i an abusive relationship with art since the day I could pick up a pen. I feel like ever since I turned 10 life decided to make it it’s go to see how much it can fuck up a teenager. And one way they thought of doing that wants to make me addicted to art.

I’ve been drawing for as long as I can remember. From kindergarten to fifth grade I had so much fun creating these silly little stories in my head and putting them on paper. At the time, I didn’t really care if they were good or not it was just a way I had fun! But ever since middle school has been kicking my ass or at the same time, keeping me alive up until now. That last part will make sense a bit.

Ever since the start of middle school, I started to realize that my heart is low-key ass, which wasn’t really a problem back then because I thought to myself that I know at all the time to get better, how naïve I was back then:( 

I used to spend eight hours of my day, purely drawing just to get better. But at the time I had no idea what our art study was so I probably wasted months of my life doing shit. So when I saw no improvement, it made me anxious about my future and about myself. And this is all around time I was becoming really depressed. Actually now thinking about it. This is probably the reason why. It got so bad to a point where I promised myself I would never pick up a pencil again and I’ll become an “ normal teenagers” and get a social 

The week I made that promise had to be the happiest seven days of my life, but right after that was probably the worst I ever mentally been. I just felt so empty inside. Like I was going to kms.

One day when I was scrolling Netflix, I stumbled across this one anime, and is the soul  I’m still here! I’m not getting too much detail, but the show was called Gurren lagann, if I had to describe the show it one word it would be determination!!! after watching the show this one quote stuck with me . 

“Do the impossible” !!!

And as the moment I heard those words uttered the first thing in my mind ran to was art!! so now I withdraw like how I used to before middle school! But the moment that rush of determination faded, I was left in a standstill. Because at the time I’m still depressed just not as much as before. So I still get really down when I see that my art hasn’t approved in a while. But any time I think of quitting I remember how worse I was when I wasn’t drawing. 

 So now I’m here. I can’t quit because if I do, I’m probably gonna be severely depressed and want to kill myself. And even if I did, I’d stop myself because in the back of my mind, there will always be that yearning to draw and you can’t really draw while you’re dead.

So fuck you art!!!!

but also thanks<3