trigger warning. For. Suicide mention. Im..not sure where else to go. i think the life category was the best to put it in.?.
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okay. I have been feeling..at peace. With the thought of killing myself. I'm 15 years old, ftm. only online people know me as ftm, as a boy. I have two IRL friends who know but can't refer to me as male because ..nobody else can know.
but I , again, feel at peace with ending my life. I don't.. want to feel okay with it, but I just..feel like I should. I'm always terrified at the thought of what happens after death, I never believed in anything specific, just..that there was something that would happen afterwards. I'm not gonna get into that too much because it will cause me to panic and go into a little spiral, you could call it.
but I just..feel okay. I've struggled with self harm since I was 11 or so, and I'm just..finally...feeling okay. To end my life. My family has no idea about my troubles, except for when my parents found out I was cutting myself from the school counselor after a friend told the counselor about a joke I made about..harming myself. and I just never told them any of my health problems(physically or mentally) before or after that , out of fear of being told I'm just...making it up. Or that it's not that serious. I have no idea if they're that type, I don't know.
I just needed an outlet to...tell people about this. That I'm ..just about this stuff I guess. I just want to kill myself.i feel okay with it. No panic. No regret from thinking about it anymore. Just..that I should. I'm tired of it all and Ive come close to attempting sometimes, and Ive attempted only two or three times. but I actually..want to do my best to go through and get it done. Kill myself.
Im thinking of contacting 988 if I get too close to doing it. I'm unsure. I'd just have to text, because if I called, my family would..probably hear.
Comments
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lovely.catie8<3
i can understand that feeling of numbness. you feel like there's nothing left for you here, but i can promise you that there is. i know how hard it is to look forward to what life could bring, especially if it keeps throwing curve balls at you. it sucks trying to find a reason to hold on when youre so tired, but please try. if you cant live for yourself, try for the people in your life. your pets, your two friends and online friends... im so sorry you feel so alone :(
thank you. I'm,,doing better now, talked to one of my online friends about it more. we kinda barely talked about it because I just got nervous bringing it up but he still helped a lot and he helped me calm down. I'm gonna do my best to keep my head up even though it's hard.
by K3.D0D0.b1rd; ; Report
im so so glad and proud you took that step to seek out reassurance and support from a friend! all you can do is just put one foot in front of the other <33 that feeling you get wont ever go away, but with support from loved ones, and removing anything not benefiting you, itll quiet that feeling. you matter, friend <3
by lovely.catie8<3; ; Report
Astroflash
I don’t know why suicide is a bad thing. I didn’t ask to be in this world the first place
gutted
I feel like at 15, theres so much you havent done yet to be at peace with killing yourself, think of everything you havent done n shit that you wanna do instead of thinking about killing yourself. Sorry im not rlly good at advice, more of a listener person, but u can message n vent to me if you want :/
yeah. I don't. have much I want to do, except mainly meet somebody I'm,,quite close with online. but I doubt that will happen. idk. thx for a reply though.
by K3.D0D0.b1rd; ; Report