trying to move on

heyy to whoever actually reads these dumb things. 

it's sure been a minute but im back for now, still aching but feeling better. 

so, i recently met this guy.. 

he's sweet, gentle, understanding and handsome. 

we've been talking for some time now, and the other night we were on the phone and he ended up falling asleep. 

oddly, i hung up immediately. 

it was around one in the morning and i just lay there in the dark, and begin to sob. 

i just remembered he wasn't him. 

he was better than him, so i should have been happy. 

in love even. 

but i wasn't. 

not at all in fact. 

it was such an odd feeling, knowing i have someone better yet i can't let go of the one who did me wrong. 

i really did love him, i know that, and maybe that's why i can't let go. 

i thought maybe we would end up together but he's never coming back. 

he doesn't love me anymore. 

ive known that, so why is it still eating me alive? 

we haven't said a single word or interacted in any way in 45 days. 

not very long but it feels like it's been a year. 

i miss him so bad. 

all i want to do is run to him and tell him how bad i miss him and how much i truly believe we could work out if we just talked. 

how much i love him, and need him back in my life. 

but i can't do that to myself again. 

risk another goodbye with the love of my life. 

i swear we could've worked out. 

he's telling people he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. 

if that were really true why would he leave me? 

he's ignoring every single girl every chance he gets. 

and guess what? 

i was right about why he broke up with me. 

it was that girl who hates me. 

she was telling him to, telling him all this stuff that isn't even true just to ruin me. 

just for the fun of it.

i hope she knows i could've lost my life. 

i still can lose my life, and i think about it all the time. 

but i have to live longer. 

i want to spend my adult years in a shared apartment in new york with my best friend. 

i want to grow even more as a person. 

but some days it's so hard to want to stay. 

it feels useless without him, which feels so idiotic to say. 

he's the last person i ever wanted to leave, despite him not treating me well. 

he was mine.

i can't believe it still. 

waking up from crying myself to sleep, having a dream he texted saying he's sorry, that he wants me back, and trying to respond right away. 

romantic love feels so useless. 

i truly think i will stay single for the rest of my life unless it's him. 

ew, it feels gross.

loving someone unconditionally who i know doesn't deserve it. 

i think for now these little blogs will just be when i miss him. 

i can't risk contacting him again.