Ugh

Okay hear me out, why doesnt someone just run me over?

After my first relationship, 3 years ago, I hadn't given myself n e time to just chill. No time to reflect, heal, fix myself, or even learn more about what I love. I'd always find people to date or just have sex with. And just now, like a month ago, ive finally accepted im okay to be alone. Currently I DONT want to be with n e one romantically nor casually. 

Though I'm just a mess in my own head right now. Before said relationship 3 years ago, I liked this dude but I got together with someone else, and I liked him while I was with this other person. I didnt try to do n e thing while I was with my partner, if n e thing I ignored the other dude. And some time goes by and my relationship is super rocky, we had broken up 3 times and kept getting together, we were having arguments everyday, and it was just bad. Blah blah blah then im single, and I find out from a friend the dude ive liked this whole time liked me. But he said that months ago so I'm sitting here like shit, probably not n e more cuz he's also in a relationship now. 

Whatever, I graduate, and he's finishing up his senior year, him only being a year younger than me. And I thought my feelings had passed until I saw him in person and realized they hadn't. I didnt act upon them though cuz #idratherdie.

Now he's in college and we've talked a bit more, and hung out while he's back home. And I just cant tell if he's still into me or not. On one hand, he is texting me more and actually holding a convo, and he did initiate a hang out for the first time. But on the other it is super difficult to hang with him, it was only one time we hung out while hes been back for summer break. And I just dont know if I'm delusional, like I wouldn't be suprised if he doesnt feel how he used to, it has been 3 years, but I think I'd honestly date him if he did still feel the same. Cuz ive liked him this whole time honestly. And idk. 

Then to top it off, I had a dream last night. All I remember was I was woth this dude, probably his college roomate, and he told me that he knew I liked him. So I asked if it made him uncomfortable and this rando said yes. And im sitting here not knowing if this is subconsciously the truth or if it was simply just a dream. 

I want to take my chance but him and his family have done so much for me and I just dont want to mess it up. 

#laughoutloud then there's these suddle tone changes that make me raise a brow and even make me question if he might like me. But its not enough for me to be like "oh yeah this mofo want my puh!"