UGhhh why why am i like this

so today i gathered enough courage to tell my mom how disgusting my sister and cousin were treating me. like always she was on their side and called me a brat. I feel so guilty for everything i did. She said everything they did to me was my fault. I feel so awful. My sister is always like this she was even saying stuff like how i am always playing the victim and always wanna be the center of attention and that i am a liar who only talks bad stuff about her non stop. I cant lie being the center of attention sounds good but it is too much to ask for bare minimum decent behaviour from everyone towards me would be ok i would be very thankful.

My sister claims to have a diagnosis for depression/neurodivergency/ocd/anxiety/sensory issues/adhd/insomnia(and more) but my mom told me she doesnt have a diagnosis for most of those even if she treats her like she does... She even did online quizzes with her friends for "fun" about depression and other mental disorders and the almost seemed like they competed about who has it worse. She somehow got the worst possible mental health in every quiz. I was so worried even if it seemed suspicious of how happy she was about the results and bragged to her friends and im not sure but shey may have bragged about it even on her instagram. I was very worried but her being glad to get those resultis is suspicious and worrying... They made me do some wuizzes with them and like always i faked the answer to seem like everything is normal and alright with me, not to lie to someone else, but bc i would be ashamad and disgusted by myself if it turns out i have something and then i qould feel guilty. This doesnt count for everyone, i dont think ppl with disorders are awful, i think only i would be awful if i had one bc of how my family would react. In general i am not allowed to be angry scared or cry, i am only allowed to be happy and neutral. When i cry or just look a bit sad everyone yells at me. Thats why i have learned to control my face so it makes an expression i want it to make and i did that for years, and now i almost dont know how to change expressions naturally anymore. My sister is however allowed to throw tantrums,yell,scream,cry,whine,screetch,argue and anything else i dont kno why we have different rules and what i did for it to happen like that.

She also says she is epression/neurodivergency/ocd/anxiety/sensory issues/adhd/insomnia (just copy pasted it no way im writing that again) everyday like its a new discover and like we have to remember that about her. She treats mental health as her key personality and aesthetic. And idk about her mental health i feel sorry and often try to help her but she just yells at me... She only listens to sad music and says how me listening to happy music is unundertstandable and hows he doesnt get it. Also when we are outside im not allowed to do anythiign bc she gets embarrased of me. She also says she loves bad mental health in media but im not talking about showing mental health im talking about her mimicking every trait she sees a character she likes has. And every song she listens to she somehow says its "so her" even if i dont know how and where the hell she got both of those from. She also says that her favorite kinds of characters are those who suffer, and i see a pattern of her characters being like very cute but suffering (original characters and media characters) and even if the characters are not suffering, she always asks me tu guess which one she likes and i always pick the cute one and i always guess correctly and she is like "omg how did you know? i usually dont choose characters like this..." but yes she does all she does is try to pretend to "hide" her ilnesses behind a "cute aesthetic" but she needs to point them out non stop by talking about them or saying "me" at the most disturbing scenarios possible. If someone wanted to hide something they wouldnt act like that... She isnt hiding anything she is pretending she is disabled and basically playing a character same goes for her friends. I never even thought to compare this to ymself i just didn get the whole "im so pretty and cute but suffering and falling apart thing" especially since she looks at me like im weird when i actually like something actuaklly cute that is happy and not dark, when the music she listens to and media she likes is dark but her vibe and aesthetic are cute. 

So like i said i never connected any of that with myself i was just worried about her, but everyone online whenever i vent to them say im depressend and i tell them im not and that its impossible, and i say that bc i dont wanna be, and if i was i wouldnt want my family to know they would treat me even worse then. But i tried to do some quizzes online as honestly as possible, which means literally honestly, clicking whatever is actually true and while feeling decent and not sad or stressed to not exaggarate or overexaggarate my answers. I did multiple tests and they all turned out the same. THey all said i was ver very depressed which is like most ppl online told me. My family would be disgusted if they find out, which they might have already found out and that might be why they treat me awfull because my life is nice and im sad for no reason. Even my other relatives who used to love me and be very nice suddenly dont even wanna see me or talk to me in tha past few years or months i dont even know. Maybe they know something is wrong with me and its bothering and disgusting them and im sorry. I know i cant trust an internet quiz but i did some other quizzes for some other disorders to see if i might have something else they wouldnt hate and i hope, would love me even more for somehow, but the results on others were so super low there is no way i could have any of those. So idk what to do my sister even has screenshots of her quiz results and bragged about them recently. Idk what to do why am i always playing the victim i think i did something and deserve everything thats happening i just dont know what i wanna know what i wish they told me what instead of just acting cruel disgusted and distant. I dont wanna be depressed and there are still very high chances im not and now i realised like i sound like some edgelord by trying to write what happened and how i feel. Thank you so much attention seekers who treat problems as an aesthetic now peoples struggles no matter how big or small wont be taken seriously, and even those small struggles could become serious beaouse off ppl treating any struggle as an aesthetic and being dramatic about it. I still think i sound like a brat and like i wanna be "edgy" or "cool" or something. I just wanna be happy and i feel awful. IM so sorry fro writing this i dont even know if what i say could be believed, again i dont wanna sound cool i just wanna ask for help and let some things out, it wont sound great ofc it will soud like when i talk bc thats all im doing, saying how i feel without trying to make it look amazing or cool or interesting, thats it