uhh real life friends are kinda complicated..

so, i have a group of friends, and honestly they're pretty awesome. i've known some of them for a long time and we've shared a lot of good memories together. they're the kind of people i can spend hours talking to, playing games with, sending random memes at 3am, and just being stupid around. even when i'm having a terrible day, they're usually able to make me laugh somehow lol.

but there's something that's been bothering me for a while now.

as i mentioned in another blog post, i'm brazilian, and some of the jokes they make are absolutely wild. like, genuinely jaw-dropping. a lot of the time they're making racist jokes about themselves, about each other, or about literally anyone and anything they can think of. sometimes i just sit there reading the messages and i'm like "...bro what 😭"

and it isn't only that.

sometimes the way they talk about themselves is honestly kinda sad too. it's like everyone is constantly roasting themselves, insulting themselves, or acting like their own feelings don't matter. i know most of it is supposed to be a joke, and i know they're not trying to hurt anyone, but sometimes it gets really extreme.

the weird thing is that despite all of that, i still love these idiots. they're my friends. we've been through a lot together. i know they care about me in their own weird way, even if their way of showing it is by calling me names and sending the worst memes humanity has ever produced xD

but here's the problem.

there's something they don't know about me.

actually... two things.

they don't know that i'm bisexual.

and they definitely don't know that i'm a femboy.

and that's where things start getting complicated.

every time they make certain jokes, every time they talk about LGBTQ people, every time they start making fun of someone for being different, i just kinda sit there in silence and hope the conversation changes.

because honestly?

i'm scared.

really scared.

i know some people will probably read this and think i'm overreacting, but i genuinely don't know what would happen if they found out. maybe nothing would change. maybe they'd accept me. maybe they'd just make a few jokes and move on.

or maybe i'd lose people that i care about.

and that's what scares me the most.

these guys have been part of my life for so long that it's hard to imagine not having them around anymore. i don't want to spend the rest of my life hiding who i am, but i also don't want to wake up one day and realize i've lost all my friends because of something i couldn't control.

sometimes i think about telling them.

other times i convince myself it's a terrible idea.

sometimes i tell myself that if they're real friends they'll accept me.

other times i remember some of the things they've said and immediately change my mind.

it's like my brain keeps going in circles over and over again.

i honestly don't know what to do anymore.

should i keep it a secret?

should i tell them?

should i wait?

am i just overthinking everything?

idk man...

i just know i'm tired of feeling like i'm hiding a huge part of myself every single day :/

if anyone has advice, i'd really appreciate hearing it.

thanks for reading.

<3