Unsaid words from your sister (Journal entry #2)

˚₊‧꒰ა . ——— ˗ˏˋ ✮ ˎˊ˗ ——— ˖ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚

I don't if you'll ever read this. I don't know if I'll ever say this. You have always been way better than me when it comes to surviving. You're always on the move, always doing something. No matter what happens, you keep going. You have a healthy lifestyle that I can't achieve due to my own apathy. My 13 year old self would kill for all that you've achieved and have/had. You've gotten to express yourself freely without caring about our parents' judgment. You've made our room your own, put posters up on the walls of all your favorite things. While when I was your age, I was NEVER allowed to do that. You know who you are already at the age of 13. You are unapologetically yourself and I love that about you. I know look down on me. I know I'm the ideal older sister you an look up to. I am a mess. My life is a mess. I admire your capability and motivation to go after what you want no matter what. You have no breaks. Nothing can stop you. Nothing and no one will. I try to be the best version of myself around you. I always make an effort to make you happy because I love seeing you happy. I take you out to wherever you want, I love treating you to food and treats, and I love buying you small stuff that i know you'd like. 

Yet you treat me like garbage. My problem is that no matter how rude or mean you are to me, I can't treat you the same. Because I know that's the last thing you need. I don't want the things around us to get in the middle of our bond as sisters. Yet you feel so far away from me. I know you don't want to spend time with me. I know I'm flawed, and my flaws are all you can see. I hate it when i ask you for a hug and you push me away each time. I feel like the worst sister ever sometimes. Sometimes I think you'd be better off without me. If i moved out and went far away, you wouldn't miss me one bit. You don't need me or anyone else. I know that you'll handle yourself well when you grow up. But I'm afraid that your coldness and unwillingness to listen to others who are just trying to help, will make you a very lonely person when your older. I don't know how to prevent it and I see it happening. You grew up without knowing how to count on our parents for anything and I know that's the main reason why you're so independent. I love that about you though.

I'm sorry for all the times I've ignored you, invalidated you, taken you for granted, been mean to you, or judged you. You will never read this entry and I will never say these things out loud. I know you don't care. You stopped caring a long time ago. But I will always be here for you no matter what.

I love you, Tori.