[VENT]

I think there is something genuinely wrong with me. Is it normal to miss an ex that you technically broke up with first? I feel like I'm going insane. I still want to hug them and be held, but at the same time, it would be extremely unfair to them, since it would feel like I was leading them on. Doing that, maybe even wanting to keep them, probably makes me a horrible person. 

I feel like a horrible person for even just thinking about how things used to be because I was the one who ended it. Why should I get to feel sorry for myself?? No, like seriously, it makes no sense to me at all, and yet I still cry about it and wish I could be the type of person who just knows what they're feeling and knows what to do when they need to solve a problem or just not be stupid like I am. 

I can't believe that I'm so freaking stupid!! Like, honestly, who in the world doesn't know if they do or don't love someone?? They feel butterflies and see sparkles in their eyes when they look at their partner [metaphorically]. I don't recall feeling that for anyone more than like twice, which is awful because what does that mean for all of my other relationships?? I know I was young, but I feel like I could've done better when I was 12.