vent blog EW.

I hate my life so much. When i was 12 my mom n grandma became INSANELEY religious, they started thinking the government was run by 200 fallen angels that shapeshift into celebrities + also run by satan. They also think school is made to brainwash kids into being trans and shit so im not aloud to go. I havent been to school since sixth grade, 3rd really. bc i was online schooled thru 3rd-5th but i just didnt do it 💔 then i went to school in 6th for a few months.

Even tho im not aloud to go 2 school or have any socials, i can smoke w33d whenever i want. they've been giving it 2 me since i was 13. they tell me im too uptight sober. ive been smoking 10+ times a day every single day for almost 3 years now. nothing even feels real anymore. 

i havent had an actual friend literally ever, i havent even talked to people my own age in months. i try going outside but i live in a boring small town with nothing to do. nobody my age either. so i just stay in my room constantly. i dont leave the house for weeks and months at a time. for homeschool my mom just makes me read for an hour, nothing else. last time i took a placement test i was at a 5th grade level (im pretty sure id be in 10th rn) i just want a normal life. i want to go to prom and have friends like other people my age. i feel like im just watching my life go by 

Ive also been having this weird clean problem. ive always had weird shit i did with numbers and crap but like 2 yrs ago it turned into keeping myself clean. Which feels impossible when i have animals that piss literally everywhere. We have to wear shoes inside or we will step in piss. the carpet is literally black bc of how many stains there r. Its gotten better the last few months but its still horrible. At my worst I washed so much i couldnt bend my hands, it stayed like that for genuinley months. I cant touch shit like a normal person without freaking the fuck out, its pathetic. my mom had to hide soap from me for months. She gave up a little while ago and just pretends like it isnt happening. all they ever tell me is how much of a horrible person i am cuz of the washing and i dont help around the house and im not grateful for them taking me out of school and ruining my chance at having normal teenage years. I do waste a lot of stuff tho while attempting to keep me and my stuff clean so i understand why theyre mad about that. I just want to feel better

at the same time i feel like i am being ungrateful and my parents r just trying their best, some ppl r getting abused and im complaining abt not having to go to school and being allowed to smoke. i just want things to be different