Vent ig??

If you're our ex, any friend of his or anyone we know irl, fuck off, we don't want you looking at our profile and starting drama, we don't want any more on our mind. 

A bit of context ig??- we heavily suspect bpd and our ex heavily suspects npd on his part, we're also a system of around 50 alters.

So two months ago, our fp broke up with us because we are "abusive" and horrible to him, up until a month ago he had convinced us that we abused him and that we are a HORRIBLE person and that we deserve to be emotionally hurt and belittled. This obviously caused horrible detrimental effects and we genuinely can't do ANYTHING without flashbacks, school makes us cry and even our bedroom which used to be our safe place feels tainted.

We have since gotten a therapist since we were already fucked in the head but this lwk pushed us into borderline psychosis and horrifying delusions. We were venting to said therapist a couple days ago about how the relationship with our ex was and how we didn't know where we actually stood because he says we "abused" him but when we look back, we either get no memories at all or memories of him being horrible to us. We asked her at the end of the session and apparently he abused us?? It feels wrong, like we manipulated her into saying that, or that we didn't give proper context or something. It doesn't help that the ex in question has always said he'd khs if he was an abuser or a bad person. 

We just feel so.. stuck?? 

We can't vent properly because if this gets back to said ex, we have his death to feel guilty about, and we can't not vent because that'll just drive us batshit insane. 

It feels so sudden aswell because little behaviours we thought were just small quirks he had were apparently abusive?? Are we really that hurt that we don't recognise it to our face??

It doesn't feel right to say that he abused us but the evidence is practically shoved in our face with every small memory, or flashback, or vent. 

It's worse because he himself believes strongly that we are the abuser, maybe we are and we just don't know it?? I mean, we were really really mean near the end of the relationship and always left abruptly during text arguments and ghosted him until he either gave up or threatened something, or we just got too many calls from him. 

We always apologized though and said why we did it, for example we always left abruptly because we were splitting and would be horrible to him if we didn't leave. 

Even then, an abuser who feels guilty is still an abuser, no? 

Idfk, we're tired from all of this, everything's just so horrible currently, it feels like every second we get triggered into flashbacks and crying because of the sheer pain of the betrayal. 

Probably gonna delete this in an hour cus we're too scared of our ex stalking us.

Ex if you ARE reading this, don't kys, fuck you and istg don't gossip about us.