vent, read if you want

i tried the spray deodorant and towel thing, it was so good, i loved it so much. I dont want to be like this for the rest of my life, i dont want drugs or anything. Well i mean i kinda do but i cant find anyone to give me anything, hell even just a vape will do, cigarettes too! im desperate and depressed, what the fuck can i say? i just hate everything, angsty teen shit i guess. self harm isnt an option anymore, my parents found out and took everything sharp away. I feel so ashamed, im holding on by a thread, as soon as school starts back up ill try to be good again.