Vent (Religion Doubts and Suicidal Thoughts)

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do i even believe in Allah anymore?

everyday, i dont pray at all. i never pray at all. i cant memorize all of the surahs or the niat during pray, all i think is "Just pray. Dont think about anything else" while I pray.

im too lazy to pray.

i start overthinking things, cus if i dont, it will happen to me sooner or later.

i think im bad luck.

everytime i join something, i somehow become the weakest or the worst member of the team and quit. or maybe when i join, the whole team starts becoming bad and worse

i have austistic siblings, and i hate them. there. i said it. im sorry.

especially my baby brother. hes autistic and a spoiled selfish kid. whenever he doesnt something he wants, he will throw a fit till my parents do give it to him.

im the only child my parents can hope for. still, i cant even study good enough or get good grades. 

im a failure.

i should just kill myself at this point.

but then i also heard Killing Yourself would automatically sends you to hell.

WHY?! WHY CANT I FUCKING DIE AND REST FOR GOOD?!?!?!

i just wish i was Pretty, Smart, Religious, and Little Miss Perfect.

But im just Ugly, Dumb, Lazy, Little Miss Worst.

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