Vent, TW for a bunch of stuff and probably me not making sense half the time/repeating 20 billion times and overreacting

I suffer with my mental health, a lot. I have struggled with SH since I was 8 or 9 and with an ED since I was very little.

I was just last year in a terrible headspace, I was a horrible person around equally horrible people. I saw things I shouldn't have I believed things I shouldn't have, and I did things that haunt me. I won't go to far into that, but it ruined me. I lost all of my friends and switched into online school.

Since switching into online school around the end of 7th grade my grades have DROPPED, I used to be a great student almost entirely A's and B's and advanced classes but after I transferred everything dropped to D's and F's. I barely passed 7th grade only passing because I went to summer school, but my grades are low again, I only have F's and D's and I was recently told I can't celebrate Halloween if I don't get my grades up. Halloween is in 2 weeks, I cannot fix this in 2 weeks. 

This seems small, just a punishment for bad grades but it made me debate ending my life because what's the point in living if I can't even do something as simple as keep up in school?

I don't know what's wrong with me academically or even if there is something wrong with me. I can't pay attention or understand anything and sometimes when people are speaking to me their words morph into a bunch of gibberish that I can't make out. 

Debating something like that over something like a holiday is probably stupid but I don't know, I don't think that that was fair, they know I struggle, they know I NEED help, they know I cannot ask for help I've told them that I need help I've told them why I can't ask for it. They know why I'm struggling, and they know how I'm struggling, but they decide to punish me instead of helping me. I think it's unfair, Halloween is a stupid holiday, but I was excited this year.

I had a chance to go out with my partner, it would've been the first time Ive been out with anyone other than my parents, I was looking forward to it and now I'm letting myself, my partner and my own family down because I'm to stupid to keep up my own grades.

I'm doing my absolute best in school but its not enough.

I don't want to relapse over something so idiotic, something that should be an easy fix something that I can just ask for help to fix but I can't ask for help. I feel pathetic, no doubt my teachers and family do too and asking for help would worsen that. The only way I know how to cope is eating or hurting myself, I don't know what else to do I just want to sit in bed and die in my sleep.

It's stupid to be this upset over something so small, it's just a holiday. it comes every year, but these chances don't come every year. my situation could be drastically different by next Halloween for better or for worse I feel like by missing out on even things as stupid as this, I'm missing out on important parts of my life and of the little childhood joy I have left.

I never got to experience a normal childhood, now I'm almost in high school and trying to experience everything I missed.