Vent tw slight mention of suicide and idk what else would be a trigger

I feel like my friends arent really my friends and they just hang out with me because they feel bad and I feel jealous when they hang out with eachother without me even though I wouldnt even wanna go anyways. Whats scaring me the most is it feels like me and my best friend arent as close anymore and I dokt know of its my fault for that or not but i cant take this shit anymore and I feel like I dont have anyone to talk to or anything anymore and I just wanna go to sleep and never wake the fuck up