[vent + want suggestions maybe] I wanna escape from the reality

Dunno if this count as smth like burn out of school, I often feel like don't wanna do anything related to school/study/assignments these days. 

Previously it's just simply like "aagh I'll do it later lemme procrastinate it a lil", but since recently I usually got extremely frustrated/depressed/worn out and refuse to “try hard to get better” and would rather even kill myself instead of doing any single shit of assignments, idk if it’s rlly ok for me to keep forcing myself to finish them 

For recent 3 days, I likewise always keep doom scrolling my phone after school (part is uncontrollably, other part is to escape from facing my homework/tasks/etc), and somehow might get depressed or furious or having suicidal thoughts. Sometimes I suddenly get rlly wanna scream or kill someone (myself or others, don’t worry I won’t rlly harm anyone else) or cry loud asf

It’s not my 1st time feeling moody for days(shorter than a week), and most of them are temporary, but this time it seems like worse than b4, and I’m afraid the situation will keep worsening in the future, which would be a huge disadvantage for my school life

Thus I wanna know what’s the thing I can do to make me feel mentally better that help me to at least don’t wanna kill myself simply bcuz of school things bruh

Why don’t ask for help irl?: 1) I don’t have any friends to reveal my pain. I don’t wanna reveal these to my parents neither. 2) I used to ask help from my teachers (homeroom & school counselor), but I’m kinda losing trust on them, plus I feel ashamed to ask help instead of trying hard to be better cuz it somehow sounds like I’m lazy asf (but ig i just rlly can’t do so alone maybe...). 3) idk if it’s high time to go to mental clinic. Plus I’ve gone there once b4, but the response of the therapist is kinda weird (too unemotional) to me, which made me feel hesitant to go there again. 4) there’s still someone I can contact to for help, but they’re probably unavailable/busy, and I personally wanna receive suggestions soon, since I have to deal with bunches of assignments tomorrow (not ddl but pretty close ughm), but if I didn’t get better now ig tomorrow would just be another day that I didn’t nothing, and I would be killed by the ddls later lol

Ah yes as you can feel most of my stress comes from assignments bruh. Idk if all the pain I’m suffering is just bcuz I’m too weak. If so then what an insult.. kill me.

Ironically I've just had a school trip few days ago. Ik it sounds nice and was supposed to help me feel mentally better, but IT DID NOT. Tbh it’s not all bad, but still there were plenty sad things happened, which (plus the hella too much assignments) kinda worsened my mood bruh…

At last I’m suck at explaining especially in English. Im srry if there’s anything that’s hard to understand bcuz of my horrible wording.