Venting : Hopelessness (mental health)

In my 15 years of living, I’ve had both school counselors and therapists. (2 school counselors, 2 mental hospital therapists, and 3 regular therapists). And none of them have seemed to work. I’m not trying to avoid taking responsibility but I do blame my environment. 

My mom is a mental/emotional/physical abusive narcissistic that has kicked me out not to long ago and my dad is childish as hell and I can’t stay with him cause he doesn’t have his shit together at the moment. 

My grandma, the person I’m currently staying with at the moment, is the same as my mom but without the physical shit. My grandpa wants no dealings with me. And for the other members of my immediate family, they ain’t really caring about the situation.

 I feel like I’m at a standstill when it come to this shit. I’m in a small town in Tennessee and shit ain’t racist or nun but it’s like shit is stressful out here for me. I feel like I’m the only one that understands me and what I’ve been through. It’s like the closer I get to the truth of what I have been through and what I’m going through the more crazier I sound and i ain’t tryna go to no fuck-ass mental hospital again.

 I felt trapped when I was there and it was just overall a terrible experience at both of them mental hospitals. My mom thinkin she doin me a favor with all this therapy shit and medication shit and mental hospital shut but it’s really makin me resent her. 

Cause at the end of the day I kno I gotta change, but.. will she? Will everyone else change as well?

How come I gotta get my shit together but nobody else has to?! 

How come I gotta keep my mouth shut about the shit I been through so yall don’t get in trouble with CPS?! Huh?!