i did this to myself. i do it ever semester, without fail. i procrastinate on every assignment in every class and do it all at once when it's due. it makes my head hurt, ruins my sleep schedule even further, makes my eyes go blurry, and when worst comes to worst and i really need to time crunch, i'm sacrificing meals.
i feel obligated to do it for two reasons: one, because i deserve the pain as karma for holding my work off, and two, because i don't want to flunk out of college and get my ass beat. besides, after this upcoming fall semester, i have one left, and if all goes well (enough), i'll graduate. it's too late to give up now— i refuse to drop out, since i receive benefits and school's the only thing i have going for me.
the worst part about all this is that i know what i have to do to fix my problems. i just don't. i can't. so, i know the how, but i don't know the why. like, "why can't i resolve the issue when i know how to?" make a schedule, follow the routine, complete the assignments in a timely manner. done. i tell myself that every semester, and i still don't fucking do it.
i can't tell if my lack of motivation is laziness or genuine depression. i'm beating myself over the head for this either way because this was entirely avoidable, but the former would definitely be worse. my health and happiness are being sacrificed for something i'm not sure will be worth it in the end, but it's okay. this is what happens when you don't plan accordingly in middle and high school i guess, haha.
anyway, for those who care, this is all why i haven't been as active on friend rewind lately. sorry for the lack of my usual enthusiasm and those cute little face kaomojis, it didn't feel appropriate to use that persona here. if you read this all the way to the end, thank you for your time.
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Razzmatazz
I had a hugeee issue with procrastinating as well. About no advice would actually help me. Until one day instead of procrastinating I would do all my assignments as soon as possible. This fixed my issue and I actually ended up feeling a sense of dread because I was so used to procrastinating and feeling like there was something I needed to do. I very quickly realized maybe the reason I was procrastinating wasn't because I am lazy, but because I want to feel productive like I always have something I need to do, but it ends up making me feel lazy lol. It's a really really hard cycle to break, put on some heavy rock music and just bulldoze it. I brute forced my way through my work even if it looked half assed or wasn't finished I would turn it in. It worked, my grades got a million times better and my mental state completely changed. I stopped self loathing and adopted a get shit done mentality. I can't say I did this over night, it takes a lot of self control to break the habit of procrastinating. I still find myself going, I can do that later and in some cases I can that doesn't mean I should tho. I think something that helped me a lot was the "just do it" nike thing. Never thought it would actually help but it does.
Also when you feel that urge to get it done, do it right then and there. Otherwise you will lose that feeling and then end up giving up or forgetting about it.
by Razzmatazz; ; Report
thank you for this comment. genuinely, thank you. i always felt like i was alone, and kind of an idiot or a loser, for acting this way. your story's inspiring to me, and i wish you all the best now. i hope to break the cycle like you have.
by s0mberc0rpse; ; Report
Yeah, I understand the feeling is extremely suffocating! I hope you get through this. I just remembered I think something that helped me the most. It was thinking about the fact that I wasn't just affecting my future when I ruined my grades. I was making my family worry and get stressed about if I could make it in the world. So I lead with the mentality of doing this to make them proud.
by Razzmatazz; ; Report
s0mberc0rpse
isn't it ironic how i'm using this time to make a vent post instead of actually working on those assignments?