what a mess we're in

i hold my breath until i remember you.

come catch me, run, i'm not having any fun (anymore)

there's a million reasons, but i think i'll need a million more.

i start hating myself at the start of the week, by the weekend it just gets easier

i look at the mirror and keep crying even while i look away.

i know i left you on read. did we ever think about this outcome? that we wouldnt talk a single day for weeks? it's not entirely true but you get me. i'm looking out for you, you told me not to reach out again, and i won't, i'm sorry i'll keep my promise, always what's best for you. 

my mind is messy and i can't think clearly, the words don't come out and i wish it was this way but with your lips on mine. when you kissed me i had no words.

when i think about us again i think you know what happens. i'm too stressed to even think about my feelings, but you're always there in the back of my mind so at times i start crying out of everything. everything that i cannot talk out loud, especially you. and us. 

at the same time, i try to be critical and logical about the situation, because i guess that's just me

i love(d) you, yes

but at what cost?

your friends talked shit about me. your parents talked shit about me. we both traveled and cried and laughed and kissed and even got mad at some point. you hurted me and i did too. did i? i don't know, i hope not. 

i'm saying. will it all be worth it if everyone's gonna hate me because of shit they created in their mind? i know they don't hate me actually, but i don't like them, and i know now they do(?) like me, but now what? like, really? do they really think it's that easy? they say shit and talk shit and "oh, i didn't mean to" and i'm just supposed to forgive them? 

yes, okay, they're not my friends, they're yours. they're shitty friends. but whatever. fine. i don't care. 

what i do care about is you.

it's messy and stupid and i don't even know what to do or say anymore. i feel like we're coming closer to strangers than friends again. i don't know if i can trust you after all. are you telling me the truth? did you really think about other people and not me? it sounds shitty. i think i'll take it, whatever. 

what a mess we're in, honey.