What Eats Me Alive

I'm going to talk about EDs and body image, so if that makes you uncomfortable I recommend scrolling away, I do not want to make anyone feel uneasy. 

I've struggled with my body image for the past five years of my life. It started around COVID when I was going through a bunch of mysterious health problems and gained a lot of weight. I had a lot of stress with school and overall just felt very lonely. I had friends, but it was the feeling of feeling alone in a room full of people. Senior year of high school was when it got worse. I developed bad eating habits in the hopes of "becoming healthier." I skipped meals and cut out all carbs (like bread, rice, etc., I still ate fruit). I fell into a rabbit hole of trying to do everything I can to lose weight. That fall I started college and it got a bit better. I was in a different environment and it was nothing like high school, but I think second year of college was when my eating habits got worse again. All I could think about was how many calories I was consuming and how I needed to burn it off, and all of the sudden I had cravings I never had before. Third year of college was when my mental health was at its all time worse. My health was deteriorating, I was depressed, and I experienced multiple anxiety attacks. During winter I went to see a Korean medicinal doctor and he recommended that change my diet and gave me the foods that were good for me and bad for my body and explained why. Spring semester, I changed my diet completely and things got so much better. I was feeling less puffy, I didn't have brain fog and could think properly, I was feeling healthier, and I could feel myself becoming better.

However, I tend to stress a lot. About my future, what I want in life, and I think that all translates to me critiquing my body. I don't struggle with food anymore, but I have been experiencing body dysmorphia lately and I don't have the best relationship with exercise, but I'm trying to give my body a rest and do better. I understand that this stress has a huge impact on my health as well, and I am trying everyday to be better, but when you're the kind to think a lot, it never goes away. 

I've been really trying not to think about my appearance lately, since it's the least important thing about anyone. I know I'm not necessarily taking this advice myself, but to anyone out there struggling with what I am, just know that you are so so SO beautiful the way you are, and as long as you're healthy, you do not need to go out of your way to change yourself to fit into a certain standard. 

soyooniverse signing off 🫡