"what i want more than anything else in the entire world?"

I feel like the things i experience are part of some greater advanced learned helplessness experiment where the shocks dont stop and the group 3 puppy desperately tries to escape. maybe theres some greater homeostasis of the world that requires certain people to enjoy their life, and therefore requires SOMEBODYS life to suck, and that happened to be mine. 

I complain a lot. something i'm sure youre aware of. i seldom communicate about my familial relationships here, but my mom has already told me that i complain a lot. actually she said she hates when im bitchy, but the sentiment was understood both ways. since im a man, im supposed to live up to my mom's societal standards of what a man should be. I like hello kitty and kuromi. i think she's lost ground on that front.

I think whatever's the issue is getting worse. I went to sleep several times this morning, and every time i woke up, i remembered i was supposed to be studying for my math today. I just bombed it, but that's not necessarily important. Every time i fell asleep, i had dreams about what i wanted to accomplish today, what i wanted and hoped would happen today. While it is the middle of the day, none of those literal dream scenario things are posturing to occur. I know sigmund freud is wrong in his conclusion that dreams secretly reveal what we really secretly want and wont admit to our conscience. i still dont fucking think so, i think i was just hoping really hard. 

I hope you know there's a real person behind these stupid essays. i wish i was a robot who didnt want anything, it would fix all my issues. what do you want more than anything in the entire world? i'd probably say relief. i want relief from all my issues, but i probably won't ever get it. honestly i dont think anything could satiate me. I keep buying things that come with unforseen issues that make me not want to use them. I keep buying things thinking they'll be some magical happiness cure, and they arent. just like any emotion, happiness comes in waves. I will say though, stress is always kind of there. i wish stress went away like everything else.

mom has found something i enjoy and is now trying her best to leverage it to make me do something i don't want to do. everyday, something like this happens, but today, its driving my friends around on weekends. Im only asking for the car, which she waits for me to use so she doesnt have to fill it up with gas when its borderline on E. Now, i might have to write an essay for a scholarship, and sort people into two cars because "5 people in one car is too many." there was 5 people in the car the last time we went out, she knows this, and of course now since she senses i want to do something, she feels the need to take it away or put it behind essay walls. i actually hate writing essays for anything except these. the only reason i use the blog in massive walls of text how i do is usually because whatever preceding writing plans are thrown to the wayside when i eventually actually start writing. I never hold things in my head for later, as much as id like to. I usually end up coming to realizations as a write. Maybe this is a sign of my general disorganization. 

for once im complaining about something that actually has to do with someone else and not man vs self lol. but, recently and inexplicably, ive been actually doing my work. I dont know why, it doesnt benefit me at all, i've already been accepted into a couple small colleges and have a coulple thousand dollars under my scholarship belt, but ive been actually doing the work assigned to me for school. This is a good thing, but im kind of afraid if im preparing for something in the future in the light of which i wont be able to do my work. 

this happens every december, i actually hate christmas. we (I) have to clean the entire house, while my mom cooks food and complains that im not cleaning enough. I've executively decided that im not coming home during any breaks if i do end up going to college. there's so many things your brain tries to hide when you think of any family member. it's like every fight and argument never happened. im starting to remember them when i think of her...i think thats a bad thing. 

i wish time travel existed. something i never understood is how seeing your future would affect it in any way. if you see your future, aren't the event after seeing your future included in your future? why would it suddenly change? sometimes i wish i could i see if i was successful in the future, or if i just ended up as. a homeless guy on the street or something. I wish i could kill myself now and now i didn't miss out on anything. 

i think after this entry ill stop mentioning the self harm and suicide stuff, no matter how much i actually think about it. It's not really like i want to die, i just want relief. im sure you can't, but i wish you could see the reactions and experiences of people after you killed yourself. maybe i wouldnt care. my ex ghosted me and i havent heard from her since. seems like she doesnt care, and i assume completely disappearing off the face of the earth is the closest thing humans have to suicide without the whole dying part. 

she was really nice. i miss her sometimes. i miss all off my exes. i wish they missed me too. they don't, but can you blame me for hoping?

i dont even know why i continue with music anymore. i'm sure i've expressed this notion plenty of times here. i feel as though the songs for the project i was working on are great, and now i cant surpass the production I DID and i havent even officially released it yet. I think ill just keep it to myself. if i released it to get one view i'd be pushed to make more, and then the slow burn loop that occurred with my youtube would just happen all over again. I actually like making melodies, its the 2nd only part of the music production process i actually enjoy. I wish more people enjoyed melodys like i do. 

im not sure if i talked about why i never joined my school band. to frame it bluntly, i always thought saying you were part of the school band came with stereotypes of nerdiness, which i desperately tried to avoid. when i did indulge, nobody said anything. I've experienced most forms of social isolation, but the very worst kind is the one where you cant tell if its happening. People wouldnt say anything to me, as if i wasnt there. but i was desperately trying to avoid any form of attention, i really just wanted to sound good around my peers who really knew there instruments. id probably be great at guitar if i didnt go and feel bad about playing my instrument. id probably be great at life if i wasnt in an environment where i was pushed and pulled to feel bad about being myself. id probably be a different person. but i'm who i am, unfort, so i guess we move on. 

i want to walk outside in the middle of the night when nobody else is outside, and if someone kills me, they just killed me and i shouldnt have been outside. i used to think about this very often, but the busier i got, the less it would reappear as an idea. i walked home once, alone, in the dark, and it was a very solitary but enjoyable experience. 

i have dreams but i doubt ill accomplish them, and since time travel isnt getting invented anytime soon, i guess thats the only reason i see anything through. the only reason nothing has happened yet was because i was lazy and didnt feel like completely giving up and going through with anything. i guess thats a good thing then, lol

sorry for the wall of text again, although i was told not to apologize...so im not sorry, its my blog 

in retrospect, all the life sucking talk makes me sound corny. i need to expand my vocabulary