what is the point of being fabulous when i cannot be human

i am completely alternative to what a human is meant to be. i am an insect.

i am endlessly annoyed at others and snap at them for selfish reasons. i cannot see the good in anyone i know aside from material/emotional gain. i have never had an 'exception person' that lasted for more than a week. i cannot feel love, and i do not feel remorse; the emotions i feel most are anger, fear and small bouts of happiness. i have caused great harm to other people due to a lack of emotional intelligence that i still to this day have not fully fixed, though i am trying. i am distrustful and deceitful and two-faced and terrible and i am a machine

i am a machine, a spectacle, a painting. i am beautiful and fabulous and interesting but i am self-serving and act the way i do due to old code. i do little out of compassion and rather out of instinct. i do nothing for others.

people who are terrible shall always be terrible because they shall not fix themselves, and if that base evil did not exist, the action would then in most cases not occur; while i change my actions to do less harm, the base evil is still there. i do not wish to change. to change would be to become more appeasing to others, and i do not like others and do not want their attention so i do not change, and the cycle repeats. i hate not being able to be normal. i am deeply robotic, transactional, empty. i want to be able to feel love and love others but i simply cannot bring myself to it... i think i am either neutral about or simply dislike everyone i know. i have detached myself from the idea of love and being human in that regard to the point where the thought of opening up and trying to experience it, trying to conjure it up from the child inside of me, seems blasphemous and out of character. It seems obscene and primitive.

i hate my parents for this. they are the one who abused my child self to the point where he can no longer feel love. i did feel love at one point, maybe when i was a toddler, but ive been abused by them from birth until this day. i have been violent and aggressive and traumatised and dirtied for as long as i can remember. they are the ones who made me a monster.