What watching Lord of the Rings with my asshole friends was like when it first hit the theaters

Of course there might be spoilers. Whaddya want from a blog post about twenty-five year old films???

My friends are the sort of friends bonded close like family you choose. We know the dark roads, the joyous celebrations, helped each other heal through deaths, divorces, hardships, etc. Also celebrated graduations, marriages, births and all the spaces in between. All with equal measures of wise words, dark sarcasm, or a mixture of both.

All of us to one degree or another coming from a long background of nerdery.

When Peter Jackson’s Lord of the Rings was being released, of COURSE we had to go see it! The only adaptations available to us as kids was the weird, incomplete Bakshi film covering (most of) Fellowship and Two Towers followed by the quaint little made-for-TV Rankin/Bass “Return of the King”. We all had devoured those books in childhood. Couple that with endless hours of playing D&D, Conan movies, Willow when that had come along, a fair dose of mythology. Each of us were low-level Tolkien experts with high expectations!

To my recollection, and using their common nicknames rather than real names, it was:

The Loudlys (Mr. and Mrs., Nerds of equal standing in knowledge and speaking volume)

Hansel and Gretel (another married couple, Gretel being a much bigger nerd)

The Bickersons (not quite as nerdy as the rest of us)

Chris

Mya (Not a nerd, but always came along)

Unstable Boy

Hungry Josh

Rossi (few could remember his first name, and once he finished college, he was “Dr” Rossi, said with a bit of sarcasm, and a bit of respect – biggest Tolkien scholar amongst us)

And lil old me!

The movies delivered! Seeing one of your favorite stories done WELL on the big screen brought me near to tears with how epic it was, even if some things had to be sacrificed.

But nerds being nerds, we also were a little jaded and as much as each of us LOVED the films, we still offered ‘criticism’ along the way.

The result? I love the films. And there are some bits of it that I just can’t take seriously as a few of their comments ring through my ears to this day.

During the fight between Gandalf and Saruman at Isengard –

Mr. Loudly: GRANDPA FIGHT!

Mrs. Loudly: It’s all fun and games until someone breaks a hip.

First time you see an orc on screen:

Random nerd in the theater who’s been ‘explaining’ the film to his girlfriend: That’s not what a *REAL* Orc looks like!

All of us: Throws popcorn at him.

Quiet discussion between us on the stylings of the different peoples of Middle Earth between Tolkien’s writing and Jackson’s depiction –

Me: Rohan has a bit of a ‘Saxon’ feel to it in their architecture and armor.

Hansel: Yeah, and the wood elves remind me of the Pictish tribes.

Rossi: I get a post-Roman Byzantium vibe from Gondor.

Stranger sitting near us, overhearing: And the dwarves are like the Jews, because how much they love gold.

All of us: What the literal fuck is WRONG with you, you racist piece of shit???

Stranger changes seats.

Regarding Arwen’s overly expanded parts just so there’s more strong female characters, and an attempt to wedge in a bigger love story –

Gretel (in wistful, overly dramatic teen-romance voice): But *daddy*, I *LOVE* him! (feigns feinting with dramatic hand on forehead)

Sam comforting Frodo, Frodo responding “Nothing ever dampens your spirits, does it Sam?”

Hansel in overly cheery ‘Sam’ voice: Because *I’m* on *ZOLOFT!*

And, finally, after the last film on the final year, already on-going discussions and debates begin anew.

Rossi: Where the heck was the scouring of the Shire? Feels incomplete without the Scouring of the Shire!

Me: *Sigh* Another film adaptation and once again Tom Bombadil and Goldberry get the shaft.

Unstable Boy: Tom and Goldberry were LUGGAGE to the plot. The films are already, what? 3-1/2 hours each or more?

Me to Unstable Boy: Oh, but they can give Liv Tyler all this extraneous screen time. They can even show Sam saying goodbye to Bill the pony, but no Tom?

Mr. Loudly: Farmer Maggot – literally the most bad-ass Hobbit who stood up to the Nazgul – is given one stupid, fearful line of dialogue.

Mrs. Loudly: Eowyn was done right.

All of us: Yes, Eowyn was done right!

Me: I’m glad they at least took their time to show her getting together with Faramir!

Unstable Boy: They overdid Legolas just a bit. Those slides down the stairs at Helm’s Deep? Here comes the video game adaptation!

Hansel: And they made Gimli a comic relief. Was expecting ‘Benny Hill’ music every time he was on-screen

Me: Speaking of – the soundtrack was too dreary. That works for most of it, but I wanted some of the lighter bits of the film to be lighter. And the ride of the Rohirrim was dominated by low brass where some higher brass would’ve sounded more heroic!

Hansel (also a musician) enters into side discussion with me over themes, variations, arrangements, etc while everyone else discusses the ACTUAL film.

Mrs. Loudly, Gretel, Mrs. Bickerson and I discussing the relative ‘sexiness’ of some of the male leads in the presence of any other fan-girls who invariably fawn over Legolas –

Fan-girl: Legolas! I want him! (or some variation of that)

Gretel (Has her choice but doesn't 'fawn') I agree. Legolas!

Mrs. Loudly: Nah. Legolas is too … ‘breakable’. I want Aragorn!

Me: Besides, Legolas is gay.

Gretel braces with amusement at the forthcoming predictable response coming from fan-girl

Fan-girl, in actual shock: NO he’s NOT!

Me: Sure he is. (cites several scenes between he and Aragorn that can be read as gay subtext)

Fan-girl (with desperate insistence): HE’S NOT GAY! How can you say that? You’re homophobic!

Me: At no point did I ever even imply that him being gay was a problem for me. You’re the one who sounds so upset by it. I’m cool with it! So I’m wondering who the homophobic one is!

Mrs. Bickerson: Bah, I want Gimli!

All of us including any random fan-girls present: “GIMLI?????”

And, finally, ANY minor detail of the films that was altered from the books:

Any one of us at any time: IT WAS DIFFERENT AND NOT THE SAME! YOU KNOW HOW I KNOW? BECAUSE IT WASN’T THE SAME, IT WAS DIFFERENT! WAAAAHHHH!

And, any minute detail from the books that WERE portrayed in the films that folks who hadn’t read them would totally miss, and surprised us that Jackson put in, like Bill the Pony, of when you see Legolas walking on top of the snow while everyone else is plowing through it: SQUEEEEEE!!!