when does it get better being a teenage girl

hell is a teenage girl, genuinely. i've spent most of my teenage years wanting to be older, i always thought that life would make sense or i would suddenly discover who i am as soon as i was older. but now that i'm nineteen i kinda fear getting older. i fear not being a teenager anymore. which is insane because i have hated most of my teenage years, it felt like every year was a stupid lesson and i wasn't living i was just constantly learning how to survive another day. so why do i wish to stay a teenager so bad? maybe i'm just scared of change, maybe it's because i've been a teenager for so long and gotten so comfortable i fear not knowing what my twenties would be like. how do you stop searching for a better you and just appreciate the you now?