When Life Brings You Lemons...

They say... make lemonade. Who else has noticed that their life has been one massive ironic joke? Here is one example of myself. Self-fulfilling prophecy perhaps? When I was little, who do you think was told would be destined to be my disabled sister's caregiver? Yup... you guessed it. Me. And who grew up to have a disabled child despite spending their entire childhood caring for their disabled sibling? Again... me. Although, I do not want to sound angry about having a disabled child. They are quite literally the light of my life. My child is someone I could never wish away. I just cannot help but see the bittersweet irony. I was always told I would be there for my sister, and I had always accepted it. So, when I went on to have a disabled child I couldn't help but feel "God, didn't I do my part? I was kind. I was strong. I was there for my disabled sister and vowed my life to her" But it wasn't enough. I remember being told if my son were to die that I should be "rejoiceful". Tears welled at the thought. My dad once told me that if my child was to die it would be okay because they would be healed. It wasn't comforting. I found myself blurting out "What is good about being dead? He wouldn't be healed... He would be dead. D.E.A.D. DEAD. Six-foot underground." It was one of the only times I can remember my dad crying. I didn't say it to hurt him. It was just the thought of rejoicing that my child would no longer be with me was so heinous. So egregious. And to think that I should be thankful? No. The grief of living with a child who you will likely outlive is unlike any other. On one hand... I hope heaven is real. Because if it is, I know where I want my eternity spent. On the other.... Fuck you God.