when will it stop haunting me?

when will it stop haunting me? — is the question i always ask myself everytime tears fall down on my face.

when will it quit? when will these thoughts stop ruining every good thing that i have? 
i am in my own paradise, stop bringing hell back to me.

why is it always like this? why is everything repeating? why is it stabbing me right on the heart again?

i don't know what my role is supposed to be.

am i supposed to be a lesson, and not a happy ending?
am i here to pass your time?
am i here to heal a heart that i didn't break?
am i here to just be called a mistake?
am i here to just be a regret in your past?
am i here to just distract you?

ever since i was a child. i never liked or enjoyed competitions.. and it still applies to this day.

i don't want to be loved again to get over someone you really do.
i don't want to be lied at again. (i know how it hurts, and i don't want it again.)
i don't want to compare myself to someone in your past again. (funny, i'm doing it as i type.)
i don't want to write essays to beg again. 
i don't want to hold back tears while i put my make-up on once again.
i don't want to doubt again.
i don't want to see myself getting jealous over stupid things again.
i don't want to be cheated on again.
i don't want my hopes to be crushed again.
i don't want to become a rebound again. (and realized that i was one in the end of the story.)
i don't want to avoid paths and hallways to avoid a man again.
i don't want to compare myself to your past lovers again.
i don't want to question my worth amidst of crying in my room again.
i don't want to be sobbing again and torture myself to be "better".
i don't want to let myself hit rock bottom and go back to zero again.
i don't want to see myself looking back to the past and regret again.

i don't want these to happen again.

i just want to be loved for being me and not reminding you the past. you know me, i hate comparisons in every way possible. i just want to be understood, i just want to be admired, i just want this love to be just mine and mine only. i just dont want competitions. just let the love i've always prayed and cried and begged for just happen to me.is it that hard to ask for?



another wave of sadness hits me once again,

— F