Where the Green Embers Never Die (After the Sun) Part III

The green embers are no longer quiet. 

They are becoming something I live with, something that follows me into every quiet moment, even when I desperately wish to feel at peace.

I see someone else's happiness, and I wonder when I last felt that genuinely happy. I hear someone being praised, and I find myself wishing someone would look at me with such admiration. I watch people receive the things they have always wanted, and I find myself wishing someone would look at me with that admiration. I watch people receive the things they have always wanted, and I silently question what makes them so deserving of something I have been longing for too.

I don't want to feel this way.

I don't want to turn someone's happiness into a reminder of my own sadness. I don't want to look at the people I admire and feel an ache in my chest because they possess something I wish I could find within myself. I want to be happy for them without having to fight the little voice inside me telling me that I am falling behind.

But the embers keep glowing.

They settle between my thoughts, growing warmer whenever I compare myself to someone else. They make me question my worth in many ways I cannot easily explain. I begin wondering whether I am talented enough, lovable enough, or simply enough to be noticed without having to compete for someone's attention.

And sometimes, I don't even know what I am jealous of anymore.

Is it their happiness? Their confidence? The way people seem to gravitate towards the? Or is it the feeling of being appreciated without wondering if I have to deserve it.

I think that is what hurts the most.

I don't necessarily want to take anything away from anyone. I just wish I could experience those same feelings. I wish I could have something that makes me feel special, something that makes me stop looking at everyone else and questioning why I don't have it too.

The green embers flicker beneath my ribs, and I feel exhausted by their presence. Not because they are burning me, but rather because I am constantly trying to convince myself that I have nothing to envy.

Yet every time I look away from someone else's light, I find myself searching for my own.

I wonder when I became so accustomed to measuring my worth through other people's lives. When does admiration turn into resentment? When does wanting something become feeling undeserving of everything I already have?

 I have no answers. Only these glowing green fragments, these little reminders of every insecurity I try to hide behind an ordinary smile.

And perhaps the saddest thing is that I don't hate the people that I envy.

I hate the way I see myself when I stand beside them.

I wish I could look at someone else's happiness without feeling a little less happy myself. I wish I could celebrate their victories without silently mourning the things I have yet to experience.

I wish the embers would understand that I am tired.

Tired of comparing. Tired of questioning. Tired of feeling like I must become someone extraordinary just to feel worthy of being seen.

For now, they continue to glow.

And I continue to wonder how something so small, something that begins as a simple feeling, manages to cast such a large shadow over the way I see myself.

I miss my sun, my warmth.