Whining about food, family, and a bit on back surgery

    Insert an eloquent introduction for a first blog post here

    tw ed I guess

    Incredibly frustrated with the disastrous state of the concepts of DINNER and FOOD in this house as of late but I don't know how to find the words for it. Thanks to a previous fiasco I can't go around talking about they've zoned in harder on analyzing whether me & my sister eat or not than ever before. I keep writing this out and then having to delete it because I keep losing the plot
    My mother's latest obsession of psychanalyzing whether her children are cartoon level bullshit anorexic or not has inadvertently fueled the constant comparison I make between myself and my sister. At risk of a vast infringement of her privacy: She is thinner than me, but not disordered, at the very least not eating disordered in the sense of an addiction largely based on how people do or do not perceive you as anorexia is generally experienced (though a 'feeding disorder' or whatever the word is could be argued if my parents bothered to look for it). I can't claim to have an eating disorder either (depends on who you ask?) but I'm sure as hell closer to it mentally than her. Despite that I avoid most of the flack because I don't look the part.
    I've always been the fatter one, I think about food more and forget to eat less, that is to say me eating less would be way more out of place than it would be for my sister. Which means I feel like I take the brunt of my parents new strictness to make sure we eat. I feel like all of the guilt of left over food is left entirely to me. I hate meals being monitored this much. I can't stand it. I know I'm doing it to myself and that giving my parents a positive impression about "me" and "eating without being hassled about it" might make them leave me the fuck alone later but it just feels so awful to do. I feel like everybody but me gets to decide shit like this while my parents baby me about this (and about practically everything else in my life).
    On top of that: Back surgery in four days. That means being more monitored than ever for no less than six months. I've spent the last few months worrying myself crazy about the few hours after I wake up and am still loopy from the anesthesia. Because, of course, I had to have a phase of feeling like shit about food RIGHT before back surgery. What if I end up saying something? I've invested so much of myself into this and all of it hinges on none of my family knowing. My family are evidently terrible at dealing with this kind of stuff, everything is a catastrophic deal. I'm fucked if I say anything.

    Anyway I'll probably have to private this right away but if anybody happened to find and read that...hi ty I appreciate it:P