Why

I was so happy today, so excited to watch my show with my mom. We watched a few episodes and it was nice, then she went to work and I finished the series. The ending made me cry.

It felt weird to cry over that, I don't like feeling stuff cause it reminds me I'm a human. Being a person sucks, you have to live with thoughts that come and go, you have to remember your past against your will, and there's so many rules people expect of you. I genuinely hate it here and I'd do anything I could to leave if I didn't have to think about people.

I'm distracting myself with 'friends' and the Internet and whatever and it does nothing. I take my happy pills and it just makes me feel nice, then it's over and I have to face the worlds bullshit.

People keep saying to be happy, enjoy life, find the good things, whatever. I don't care anymore, I guess I enjoy stuff but I don't even know why when it just goes away soon after.

And god how I hate enjoying people sometimes, I screw it all up and become a nuisance because I just had to enjoy something that I thought would stay. Barely anyone likes me, and I fall 'head over heels' or something which I hate. I don't like romance it just ends bad.

I don't want to die by my own hands I just want to be removed from this equation abruptly. It'd be easier.