Why I Deeply Empathize with Men

I have an odd situation where, despite how badly society tried to make me feminine, young me did literally EVERYTHING she could to defy it and constantly chose to be masculine. I was like 8-11 by the way, had no idea what a feminism was, and literally nobody told me to do this, I did it on my own. I was a little misogynist who only made friends with boys, forced herself to only like masculine things, and swallowed all her emotions down, literally textbook toxic masculinity. I despised that people saw me as weak just because of my gender, I did everything to stop it, but it never worked. I would get angry when people called me pretty because it meant I was still seen as feminine, I only accepted being called "cute," cause boys also got called cute. This experience made me realize how much masculine expectations fucking kill you, it takes your self-expression away, your feelings, your passions, your humanity, all for the pursuit of power and control. Everything you do is to defend your social standing, everything is about you and your ego, and you end up this empty, dissatisfied person with no understanding of yourself, all so you get to be seen as powerful. It's fucking gruesome, your only option to express how empty and sad you feel is through violence and anger, it ruins you. The craziest part is, you don't notice, all you feel is empowered due to the sense of control, and you keep diving deeper. Now, to clarify, this is what toxic masculinity is like, healthy masculinity does NOT look or feel like this, but when you're exposed to masculinity as a kid, you often can't separate them very well, and try to adopt both. There were good things about being masculine, don't get me wrong, I still am somewhat masculine for this reason. It'd also be very contradictory if I actively preferred so many masculine traits in friends/partners, but then completely trashed on it lol I am the only woman I know who got to experience toxic masculinity like this, there are so many horrible men I've met who I see myself in, because I know the only thing that stopped me from being like them, was that I was still a woman. No matter how much I denied it, everyone viewed me as such, including myself, and I eventually gave up being masculine. It was a really uncomfortable experience at first, trying to become feminine. I felt so embarrassed wearing dresses and liking girly things, and the most shameful part to me was that I genuinely enjoyed it. Over time I've become super expressive in my femininity, I love being feminine and I love being a woman, but it took me years to get here.

I see so many people painting men as these horrible figures, like they're always evil and cruel and they did it to themselves, but all I can see is children being manipulated by their own family or friends to become something horrible. Hell, just society itself can be enough to turn these men into monsters. Even now, when I'm surrounded by complete idiots in my construction classes, I still feel bad for them. I hate them with a passion, I cannot fucking stand them, but that hatred stems from a sense of understanding and frustration. I wish they could see how much they're hurting themselves, I wish they could love themselves and let themselves be vulnerable. You will never be happy if you spend your whole life trying to control it, yet so many men are obsessed with overpowering every aspect of themselves, society, and other people. Peace is achieved when you accept and submit yourself to life and circumstance, you can only control what you do in response to them, there is great power in that, and it's the only amount you're built to handle. Stop taking on so much responsibility, all the people who try relying on you will get hurt, and you'll still be alone.
You don't need to be someone important to the world, you need to become human again.