Why the hell do I feel this way?

I hate this city, I hate how no one ever remembers me and how I have no one else; I hate seeing everyone having fun while I’m left alone, pretending my ego is big enough to hide any weakness. I hate all this shit and these people; I hate how no one talks to me unless they need something. I haven't enjoyed anything; I have no memories of my teenage years to look back on in adulthood, and no one will remember me. I wasn't happy, I'm not happy—maybe I'm content sometimes, BUT I NEVER FEEL HAPPY. I need to move, I want to move, but it all depends on my family; if I spend my senior year of high school in this place, I’m certain I’ll end up killing myself—but I don't want to die... yet I hate being alone. I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE, I DON'T WANT TO JUST BE A SPECTATOR TO THE HAPPINESS OF EVERYONE ELSE MY AGE. My feelings are a mess; my head feels bipolar. I don't know if I can handle this if I don't move soon... I need to move, to have a chance to start over; if that doesn't happen... I HATE BEING ALONE, I'M NOT HAPPY WITH THIS. The internet isn't enough to fill this lonely void; I thought venting would help, but nothing has changed... I hate this... I hate myself, I hate my life. I know saying that makes me ungrateful, but I should have killed myself back when I learned how to load a gun.