why would I put effort into harming others?

I’m writing this because I feel like a lot of people think I’m a manipulative gaslighting little piece of shit who’s rude on purpose. Slightly targeted but Ive been wanting to write something like this for a little while now, and Ive written something similar to it before. 

I don’t get why people put effort into harming others. Maybe being rude to someone when you come across them, that’s understandable, but things like bullying and calculated harm/abuse are things I’ll never understand. Especially as someone who’s terrified of doing wrong. 

I don’t understand wrong or right and I’m in therapy to try and learn. I’m planning on getting into behavioural therapy too. While I’ve had abusive behaviours in the past, I wouldn’t call myself 100% ‘abusive dipshit’ because I don’t think I am that. A lot of the things I’ve done, I did them becaus I was just as confused as the other person, and I have a personality disorder which makes it hard to understand others and morality. 

I don’t sit at home doing little calculations on how to ruin other people’s day. I don’t gaslight people. I don’t intentionally manipulate others (keyword intentionally because some of my behaviours can be unintentionally manipulative 😓) and I don’t weaponise things because I’m some evil person who wants everyone to be as miserable as I am. I try to stay as close to the truth as I can, and when I realise I wasn’t being truthful, I stop. That happened with me realising I was incorrect with being rude to my friends, that happened with me stopping talking shit about my ex when I realised that I was actually pretty evil to them. 

Nowadays, no shade, but I’ve come to the conclusion that we were both honestly pretty shit (me being the shittier one) and if I don’t give grace to them, I can most definitely hold no grace to myself.

I have been toxic. I have been a dick. I do not deny that I am.. definitely not the most moral, perfect, good person. I’ve said shitty things to and about others. But what I haven’t been is intentionally a shitty person like people say I’ve been. I think it’s quite honestly pathetic to try and intentionally abuse someone else, and I don’t see why I’d put energy into it. 

I’ve done what I’ve done because I was a severely mentally ill teenager who thought he was right. And I’m getting pissed at people who think I’m a little demonic cunt for fun, or on purpose. 

This is a ramble and isn’t meant to be hate to anyone who I’ve known but ohhh has the idea of just being ‘100% abusive npd guy’ been getting on my nerves recently especially because my ex did some pretty shit things to me too. But I forgive them because, honestly, I understand it and I was probably worse in some ways. We were both mentally ill, suffering from personality disorders, and were bad for eachother. If you see this, know I mean no harm. 

So, once again, no hate at all. But it’s 01:38 and I just wanted to make myself and my intentions within every relationship I have very clear. I am a person of truth. If you’ve been harmed by me I wish you the best and I don’t expect forgiveness but don’t forget that me and you are one in the same cluster. Don’t reply to this blog. Don’t make one about it. I am not trying to shit-talk you or hate on you this time, I am being genuine.

I guess this is kind of targeted to my mother too, as she thinks I’m being evil on purpose quite often, when I’m really not. I really do not care about others enough to try and actively hunt people down to be toxic to. If someone acts shit to me I’ll react to it, like how I talk to my father, but I usually don’t go past that aside from unrelated stuff. I’m aggressive to my parents because I was raised in a household of aggression. I am trying to put a muzzle on myself, though. So I don’t bite, and so everyone else around me isn’t scared of my jaws. I don’t like people being scared of me. 

I guess I do put people down sometimes due to my NPD (like the very cringe time I told my friend my copy of Frankenstein was better than hers for literally no reason) but I can assure you with all of my heart that I’d never go out of my way to harm someone on purpose. That’s idiotic. I think the only time I’d do that is if I was in severe narcissistic collapse which I haven’t even experienced yet. 

Okay I feel better now that I’ve written that. I’m going to drink my fake Aldi monster rn. I feel like a herd dog. feeling like frankensteins monster 2025 version specifically.

also insert that one ‘I’m neurodivergent and a minor’ meme