Yearning and I miss the one day I feel asexual for once for some reason.

Really missing that one day I felt asexual and like a normal fucking person, especially as a hypersexual. 

This next part is only partly related to my hypersexuality but I hate feeling like an envious and ungrateful person and constantly yearning for love and affection even when I do get it, including those I love, and It really makes feel like a weirdo or a complete loser and there have been times where I have yearned to the point that it has made me feel nauseous and done things that I deeply regret and feel guilt and shame for to this very day and will continue to for a very long time going forward and I’ve yearned and still yearn for those in happy relationships and I feel guilty for it.

Especially considering I’ve had an almost constant history of being a poor or even terrible partner to those I’ve been in relationships with. which is why I also always question or doubt if I even deserve said love or always wanting physical affection and intimacy that’s so far away and it makes me feel even more ungrateful. I have people who love me more than anyone else in the world and I want to know and love them forever, but I also feel terrible for wanting to try new things while being lovesick and desperately wanting people who don’t feel the same way and being confused on my emotions. Feels even worse after watching obsession lmao. I hate feeling like love is never enough and I always need more and I also hate feeling sexual all the time and just want to love normally.