yesterday, my whole life changed drastically OR mother wound

my mother has never been my reliable parent

she always made herself the fun parent. she highly parentified me since i could speak. she confided in me. things you should never be confiding to your child, no matter the age. things like complaining about her relationship issues with my father. even as a child, she would tell me "i'm unhappy in my relationship with your father and i always have been, but i stayed for you" things she should be talking about with literally anyone else. she would get mad at me if i became distressed by what she was telling me. she always has held me to unrealistically high emotional standards, like i'm not her child but instead a best friend with an almost ungodly level of empathy with the ability to completely emotionally impartial.

when i was in elementary school, my family and i were hit by a drunk driver. no one was severely injured, but my mother developed fibromyalgia and severe chronic pain afterward. i believe it was not only from the trauma of the accident, but the trauma from her childhood and life. my mother has had untreated cPTSD, borderline personality disorder, and bipolar disorder all her life. the mind and body connection is real, the stress of untreated mental illness and trauma is extremely stressful and can literally disable you physically. 

i do have empathy for my mother. she was extremely active before her disability. her whole life completely changed. when you develop chronic pain, you mourn the life you once had. i fully understand that. but what i will never forgive her for is the fact she basically gave up on being a parent to me. like i said earlier, she has parentified me and enmeshed with me as soon as i could walk and talk - but it got so much worse when she became disabled, in a pain flare or not. it made no difference. as someone who is also disabled with severe chronic pain, i understand how hard it is to live. but that does not exempt you from your responsibilities as a parent.

my father stepped up from the start. he took care of my mom however he could. coming to her doctors appointments, advocating for her - fighting for proper treatment and pain management. driving her to all her appointments. even when my father had cancer surgery and was recovering he still drove her to all her appointments, taking care of her before himself. always. my mother is completely unreliable. as a parent and honestly, to herself. she has been for years. i can't rely on her emotionally or physically. my father has been my only reliable parent. if an emergency contact is needed to be given for any reason, it's my father. my mother never answers her phone. it's either lost or on silent. 

the parentification and enmeshment she has put me through has given me quite the mother wound. it's one of the main issues i am in therapy for. i had so much anger towards her for so long. but in the last year, i feel like i reached a point of acceptance - my mom will never be the mom i need. my anger began to subside. i felt able to set aside my resentment. my mother has been through so much trauma, and has never wanted to go to therapy. she is mentally ill. she will never be the stable healthy parent i needed, that any child needs. we'd have our moments, her saying something inappropriate and me getting upset, and then her getting mad that i was upset. but after a day or two i would be able to forgive her and move on. i wanted a mom, healthy or not.

but she has finally pushed me to my breaking point.

yesterday, my mother decided on a whim to leave the house, leave the family, leave my father and i. my father and i are devastated, blindsided. we're angry. she has been in a manic episode for the past month. since 2020-2022, my mother has moved out of the house with my father and i and moved into her 13'x15' art studio in our backyard. when she did that, i always had a gut feeling that this was her leaving, or trying to. i never wanted to believe it. as a kid she would always tell me how unhappy she was and tell me that she stayed for me. i would think, "my mom is unhappy and it's my fault." she would either get mad at me for crying and getting upset when she told me such things, OR she would be like "hahaha, i'm just kidding. i love your father, i'm so happy!" i knew she was lying. it would be such a mindfuck.

now you may be wondering "alaska, your dad must have done something to warrant this. you don't know everything about their relationship, they must surely keep things from you". it's not like i was around them every second, but i am an only child. they (mostly my mother) never kept any of their conflicts private. i wish they kept more from me. but my father is such a sweet, kind, and loving person who loves my mom so deeply. he has been nothing but a good husband and a good father.

 i blocked my mother on everything. 

i don't care if she's having a mental breakdown. i don't care if she's having a midlife crisis. i have no more room in my life for emotional instability. from family, from friends, from anyone. 

i'm protecting my peace. i'm done.