"You're so mature for your age"

That phrase has done so much irreparable damage within my psyche. Like, I've always been told I was mature for my age and I look older than what I am (even when I was little which I think is weird). Not only has the actual phrase been repeated to me more times than I can count but, the actual idea that I'm way more mature than the average peer. I know this probably doesn't sound like a lot now but, if you don't want to hear about SA (I won't be descriptive), grooming, and deeply dramatic personal struggles than I say click off of this post I fear. 

Anyways, whenever I'm told this from an adult it automatically makes me pause because I wonder what course(s) of action prompted you to say that and it always devolves into me knowing how to be emotionally intelligent and sustain myself over long periods of time. I mean, it made sense to me at first but the older I get the more I wonder why you would even tell a kid you think they act older than their age. Kids don't take things at surface level so, when you say that you're placing a standard on them that may feel hard to reach or you're just completely desensitizing them from common grooming methods. 

In my experience, being told that all the time did exactly that. I was so used to being called mature for my age that I forced myself to continuously reach that standard and, I do extremely proficiently. Typically, this always made me feel better about myself when I was younger because maturity brings a sense of independence that no type of money, people, or material could give you. By the time I turned 13 however, I already felt like I was outgrowing my peers. I only wanted to do things adults do and most teenagers still like to go to high school parties and make as many friends as possible while I would want to go to college parties (or no parties at all) and I only prefer smaller social groups because they're more controlled and easier to build with. I wanted to go on road trips to other states, drink, smoke, and so many other things that most teenagers would still have to ask their parents permission to do or sneak out (and I am not dealing with a stressed out kid who's wondering if their mom walked in their room yet). 

That initial disconnect made it really easy for me start to separate myself from other teenagers and think about what I actually valued out of friendships and the life i build with them. I started loving deeper conversation that stems from intellectualism and critical thinking. By the time I was 14 I'd truly outgrown the other teens around me and started making older "friends". I would hang out with 18 and 19 years olds because I figured since I was more mature it was okay (Spoiler: it wasn't loll). I was always out with my friends and eventually started going to more spaces with actual adults (25yo+) and when I tell you so many adults have used my "maturity" just to sleep with me. Like, it got so bad that I started to wonder if most adults have odd fantasies about teenage girls. 

Of course me being 14, I didn't try to fix the situation by not being around people who are adults as a kid but rather finding "better" ones. By the time I was 15 I had a best friend around my age that was only a 9 months older than me and operated on a similar system. This eventually led me to being in a "relationship" with a 35 years old man while I was 15. We were together for like 6 months and I even ended up running away and staying with him for a few days. It got bad but, I was "mature" in my head so I would figure it out. 

I thought it would get better but, now I also have a really horrible time establishing boundaries because people always told me I was more mature for not retaliating against people. Having already CPTSD makes it very hard to distinguish when I'm defending myself and what is necessary vs me having to be "the mature one". When I turned 16 I got with a guy my age and, he was horrible to me but I always gave him a pass because "I knew I was more mature than him". I also used that excuse when he ended up sexually assaulting me so that I could continue to hang out with him because I liked him so much.

The connection I'm trying to make here is that I am forever told how mature I am but, nobody ever taught me the difference between my maturity and my impulsivity. Nobody ever told me that maturity couldn't get you out of every bad situation. I didn't even know that I couldn't be around people based on perceived maturity until the beginning of this year at the ripe age of 16 after being told I'm mature since I was about 3. I still don't even know what type of company to keep around me and, I still find myself in relationships with adult men. I wish nobody ever pointed out how fucking mature I was. 

PS: Sorry if this is really heavy. I like to talk about heavier topics a lot of the time because, those are the topics I view as most pressing honestly and I don't think my experience with this phrase and idea is an outlier.