"You're so quiet" Blame My Mind for Being A Mental-Only Social Butterfly, And Not Me.

It's a pretty well known fact amongst the people I know IRL that I'm a quiet person. And it's pretty frickin infamous for em to assume that I'm an asshole cause my face has subtitles. Okay, kudos to them for that cause I can agree, I'm an asshole sometimes, just not verbally. (Does that make sense? hell, I dunno.)

Though, even with people around me, I rarely ever grow bored, especially when I'm ignored; because the overworked inner monologue in my head's always doing too much. ..Even when I ask, very nicely, for it to just, shut up for once. Its always doing or playing something; a song, an awkward/cringe piece of memory just to make me squirm, ideas for my writing or crafting, things to do when I finally get to rot in my room, and very rarely; the gnawing anxiety that cripples all hope for living. All hope is lost till I get to sway in my room and rant to myself and the wall. 

I'd hear voices, sometimes, too; self deprecating ones, normal ones, even ones that I can hold entire conversations with and genuinely convince myself that someone is actually there when I'm talking on my own. I've never told anyone about the voices except for the fact that I talk to myself. Their response is that they talk to themselves too. Still I don't know if I want to settle with the fact that people do the same thing 'normally' or on a daily, almost frequent level like I do. Maaan, I just can't figure it out can I? booo.

Just another note that my mind would insert some kind of 'presence' whenever I'm having those lone conversations to make me feel better about the talks cause it makes me feel like I've got someone there. I can feel it, sure, I just don't see it. 

I guess I've grown so used to the idea that people actually do these things, except the whole feeling presences thing. I, however also, hate when it starts blasting everything from everywhere all at once, just seconds after I wake up. To be stormed by so many things at 6 am... I don't dig that, shit just gets exhausting. 

Been thinkin about getting a shrink on the phone, but I'm too much a damn pussy to do that, let alone ask my parents to do so cause they don't believe in youth mental health shit as much (elder gens, am i rite?) I don't wanna self diagnose myself on anything, too, so we'll see where fate'll takes us.