A Rambling Vent

I don't know how to start off this blog post, and I don't think anyone will care, but I need to get this off my chest. 

I try really hard to be the happy, bubbly, and supportive friend. I try really hard to be as supportive and loving as I can. I even got a tattoo that says "with love always" because I try so hard to do everything with love. 

The thing is, I don't do things with love all the time. I've done bad things, I've fucked up so much, I've been a bad person. For years I was a good person, I was an honest person, I was a gentle person; and then I fell back into old habits. I fell back into the habits of not caring, not doing things with love, being as violent as a rabid dog. 

I want to do things with love, I want to be a good person, I want to be a loving person. I want to be a person who does everything with love. I want to be as supportive, loving, and honest as possible. I want to be the shoulder to cry on, the person to turn to, the soul of light and not darkness. 

I don't know why I keep on falling back into the cycle, back into the person I was before my meds. I don't know why I do bad things. I'd like to think I don't do them intentionally, but my actions are intentional and there's nothing I can change about that. I just want to be a good person. 

I think my loneliness gets to me, sitting alone and only talking to my boyfriend and best friend everyday without any other interaction really gets to me. I think it makes me fall back into a pit, back into a pit of depression and anxiety. I love them both deeply, I care about them both, I enjoy talking to them, I enjoy the time I spend with them; but I want to talk to other people. I want to have more friends, have more interaction, have more outside just those two people. 

I know I'm fucked up from a previous relationship I had. It put me down a dark path again. He cheated on me and it really fucked me up. For months I isolated, cried myself to sleep, became suicidal, I was a mess. I'm not putting it all on him, because it isn't all his fault. It isn't his fault for how I react due to his actions. However, I do think that it is a part of why I fell back into bad habits. 

I'm trying really hard this time, I'm trying my hardest to be a better person. I'm trying my hardest to stay a better person this time. I'm just hoping that it sticks because I'm sick of the cycle that I seem to be going through.

If you read this far, thank you for reading. I just needed a place to vent outside of the two people I talk to on a regular basis. 

Sending everyone who reads lots of positive vibes and love, and remember to do things with love always.