can someone explain gender to me bc i rlly don't get it

right, so i am a firm believer in the fact that all stereotypes are bad and that they do more harm than good.

however, one day a thought came to me: "what is gender if not just stereotypes?" I really tried to come up with an answer and i couldn't.

for example, im a girl. but why am i girl? Is it because i have long hair? i have a higher-pitched voice and wear dresses and makeup? Well thats not true because what about femboys/ladyboys, actors/celebrities, or literally even anyone who puts on a tiny spot of concealer and like idk.. contour. Like, all of these people are still men, thats just a stereotype. is it because i have a vagina and a uterus and can give birth? Well thats not true either because what about women who have trouble conceiving/never had a period, trans women, or even menopausal women. all of these women are unable to give birth.. but they're still women. Trans women don't have the female reproductive system altogether, but i still fully believe them to be women. and they are. 

this argument also applies to the opposite gender and the same arguments still hold. when i debate this topic with transphobic people, i also bring in intersex people as they were "born that way" instead of "choosing to change" (i know this is utter bullshit, you don't 'choose' everyone was just born the way they are). their argument of 'oh but!! everyone should just follow their biological sex!!' falls apart here. i would then ask them: "which of your two gender categories would you place these people in?" this could go 2 ways. either (most of the time) they just get stumped and either, i open their eyes (this like never happens) or they'd just deny their existence because they don't fall neatly into their binary ideas of gender. another thing that they might do, is just put them somewhere depending on how 'feminine' or 'masculine' they look - but thats just stereotypes again. and they went back on their word of 'everyone only following their **biological** sex'. honestly, these types of  people piss me off so bad. 

overall, i still don't have an explanation as to what gender is. i have 2 conclusions that im coming towards. 

1.  gender only reflects our experiences. 

this is because, genders do exist because of things such as the patriarchy. in school, im always observing people and subconsciously categorising them, labelling them (i knowww i shouldn't do it, this is what causes prejudices and thats bad. but idk.. ive done this for so long that like.. i cant just instantly stop. when i try to, i stop for a while but then a month later, i realise im doing it again. these days tho, i do feel like ive stopped like doing that as much so there is some improvement. and if i do like label them again, i do reason myself as to why and whatever. basically im trying to improve myself). there are obvious differences in how girls act, in how boys act, and in their relationships. guys' relationships tend to be in larger groups compared to girls and most are a bit more carefree in their relationship yk. i saw someone say that guys are lowk cowards and when someone in the friendship like does smth fucked up, girls would probably (rightfully) drop the person, however guys wouldn't really do much. from what ive seen, i don't think that the statement that person made is that wrong. 

but then if gender only reflect our experiences and our relationships, and how we are treated, then what if a girl was to only be treated as a guy, is she considered a man? like in theory, it make sense. however at the same time, i do feel like stereotypes affect our experiences. like: "oh u have long hair and a uterus. you are a girl. i will now mansplain everything to you". the stereotype categories you into a gender, then that gender affects your experiences which cements you as that gender. there is a reason why trans people always feel like they need to pass. even if like someone is non-binary, people expect you to look androgynous. personally, i think this is bullshit. like im a girl, but what if i want to transition and become a femboy? im still a man.. but i present feminine.. so will i be treated as a girl? because i am treated like a girl, does that still make me a girl? but im a man. because i transitioned. tbf, in an ideal world, i would be seen as a man because there wont be any transphobes calling me a girl. but then.. what makes me a guy tho? i present feminine and i have a uterus and stuff.. why am i a guy? and why is me wearing dresses and makeup and shit like that seen as feminine?? why is that feminine? 

so yeah. my second conclusion that im inching towards is:

2. gender doesn't exist, its a social construct made by the patriarchy to gain power and control over other people and to exploit them. 

like i feel like this explanation makes more sense. the reason why misogyny is so prevalent, it because people want control over us. the best way to gain control is to divide and conquer. so lets divide the human population and give power to one side. all abrahamic religions believe that Eve is the stupid one bc she was the one who ate whatever forbidden fruit (pomegranate or apple or smth else entirely idfk). even in greek mythology (and roman by extent) it was a woman who opened pandora's box (fucking Athena helped made the box. she is NOT for the women. she should work on her internalised misogyny). why is it always women. in the bible, it says that a woman should never have authority over a man and smth about that they should always be submissive. in the quran, you cant pray on your period bc youre not pure (spiritually i think..? idk dude, ive never actually prayed in the first place lol). some religions you cant even enter their 'spiritual' temples when a woman is on her period. OR EVEN IF BC THEY ARE A WOMAN. LIKE PISS OFF???? basically, this has just turned into a feminism argument. like even the experiences argument - if there was no stereotypes, then we wouldn't be put into categories (genders) and then like we wouldn't even be treated anyway because like.. without the stereotypes.. there wouldn't be any genders. so does gender not exist??

however, if gender doesn't exist, then what about people who really value their gender as a part of their identity. Trans people. if gender doesn't exist then do trans people not exist?? but they do exist, saying that they don't is transphobic and your'e dismissing their struggles and identity. i don't want to do that. trans people are valid and they always will be. also, by saying gender doesn't exist.. am i then saying the patriarchy doesn't exist.. and misogyny does exist. and thats wrong. we are obviously still being oppressed in some ways. like.. any answer i think i have come up with, i can instantly debunk it and then im back at the starting point.

what is gender?

ive been doing a bit of research and idk if im agender. ive also seen microlabels such as nixic or libragender (id probably be librafeminine.. maybe?? idk). i feel like if i was born a guy, i would probably never transition, like idk, yes i am a girl and i do want to go by she/her and attached to my gender that way but at the same time.. i dont really care about my gender. why is gender important? like i dont get why im attached to being a girl, is it because i realate to the female experience? then what if we lived in a world with total equality between all genders.. what experiences would make me attached to being a girl? would i still choose to be a girl? 

therefore, another question that i do have though, something that might help me like understand this a bit more, is like like, how did you know you might actually be trans and not just presenting another gender? how did you know that? or like if you transitioned then de-transitioned. why? is it just a feeling? well.. i guess it is a feeling but like.. what is that feeling?? 

so yeah. sorry for the long blog lmao.