creep; to be loved, to be known, to be.

even online i find myself, filtering myself, afraid like i bare my soul and my body like anyone can see, anyone could care. i hesitate to be intense, i hesitate to talk, i think about how im perceived, afraid of being too much or hurting others im cryptic, im skeptic, then i have the audacity to be lonely. i fantasize without trying, i don't know or want to be vulnerable. but this is the condition of existence, we hurt, we cry, we laugh, and i write here aimlessly like a lone satellite, clinkering broken machine, like a dying star, an extinct obscure creature, a freak of nature, like a creep, and in some funny coincidence or fluke, the universe will throw me a bone, enough for me to continue until it starts starving me again.

to be loved, to be known, to be. conditions you can't settle with, like you always get the short end of the stick. and nothing and no one feels right. my soul moves away from everyone.

im tired of waiting, but im frozen in place. i get impatient like i won't have a turn. my body is too small and frail for my dreams, this life is too short to fit all of me inside. i dont want to live forever, but i want to control time, rushing to and fro, i want to be a mother, a bachelorette, a slut, a punk, a painter, an idol, an actress, heck i might even want to be a president. i want to manipulate my sex, to shapeshift, a man in the morning, a lady at night. and i know its impossible, i know its ridiculous, i know i turned out like this due to half-wit excuses, of circumstances i had no control of, of deep and shallow bonds i cannot break, of habits i can't kill. 

i wonder how to be normal, is there some sort of secret code you must recite every night before you sleep like a prayer, at some point does everyone wonder like this until they belong? to be loved, to be known, to be.

(kinda nervous posting my face, might post more of it soon)